Book Review: The Peacemaker

It has been said that Alzheimer's brings out the best and the worst in people. Often I read on Alzheimer's blogs about conflict between family members about care for elderly parents. People in many caregiving situations read this blog and so this issue may come up in families who are seeing both the best and the worst in one another.

I am in my final classes for a seminary counseling degree and one of the required reading books, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, had a very insightful story. Now this scenario in the book I am quoting in no way parallels my situation, but is illustrative of both the best and worst in people and how Scripture and wise counsel can help the Christians who face such caregiving decisions. Ken Sande writes:

When a person earnestly pursues the conciliation responses to conflict, there is a greater likelihood that he or she will eventually see reconciliation. . . . The different responses to conflict and their association dynamics were dramatically revealed in the first family conflict I conciliated. I was asked to help seven adult brothers and sisters settle a guardianship dispute over whether they should keep their elderly mother in her home or place her in a retirement center. Five of the siblings were doing all they could to escape from the situation, either  by pretending that a conflict did not exist or by refusing to meet with the others to talk about it. The other two attacked each other intensely and frequently, slandering one another to family and friends and fighting in court to obtain control through legal guardianship.

The first step in resolving the dispute was to help the parties change the way they had been responding to the situation. The five siblings who had been trying to escape from the problem quickly saw the benefits of mediation and agreed to meet together. The other two sisters grudgingly consented to mediation, but they continued to attack each other during our meetings, accusing each other of improper motives and demanding opposing solutions. Our investment of time and energy was producing no results, and relationships were suffering further damage.

I finally asked to talk with the two sisters in private to help them discuss the personal offenses that were obviously fueling their quarrel. Putting the guardianship issue aside for a moment, I helped them to examine their attitudes and behavior toward each other. As we studied a few relevant Bible passages, the Lord began to work in their hearts. After about thirty minutes, the real cause of the conflict finally came to the surface.  Almost twenty years earlier, one of the women had said something that deeply hurt the other one. The offended sister had tried to pretend that she was not hurt, but she could not help brooding over the insult and their relationship was steadily poisoned. Consequently, they opposed each other in everything, even if it involved their mother’s care. 

As we continued to talk about their relationship, they began to deal honestly with their feelings and actions. They saw how they had been dishonoring God and hurting other people. As God opened their hearts, they confessed their sins and forgave each other. With tears in their eyes, they embraced each other for the first time in twenty years. They soon joined their brothers and sister and explained what had happened. Within five minutes, all seven children agreed that their mother would be happier in her own home, and in another fifteen minutes they negotiated a schedule for her care.  As you can imagine, when they told her the news that evening, the reconciliation of her children brought her even more joy than the  decision about her living arrangement (pp. 23, 24).

Now mediation with someone else might be needed with placement of an Alzheimer's loved one. We can grow in grace and in the knowledge of our faith in the process. The LORD doesn't waste any of our trials, and unless we choose to become bitter and discouraged, He will be there and turn our sorrows into joy and perhaps through mediation and of course through meditation on His Word.

I have loved the process of taking my seminary counseling classes since 2006 and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. One project was my book, Getting Off the Niceness Treadmill. Other papers have been on a topic related to Alzheimer's. I will be starting the dissertation some time in 2013, LORD willing. It has been suggested that I write my dissertation on being an Alzheimer's caregiver. 150 pages! Oh no! More stress on top of being a caregiver and on top of reorganizing the home for caregiving! However, with reading such wonderful resources as The Peacemaker there will be much to share in that dissertation.

Get the book, folks. Such help for all kinds of thorny issues.

The Fear of a Caregiver

Those of us who are caregivers may have a whole lot to fear: our loved one may wander; hallucinations that result in violence; difficulties communicating; how it will all end; will our money run out; will our loved one continue to trust us or will they become suspicious; will they tell us if they have a pain; will they leave the stove on; will they leave the house naked; will I be asleep when something happens; end-of-life decisions when they can no longer swallow; will the loved one accept outside help so we can get a break; what if I can't take care of the loved one and how can I afford nursing home care; how can I maintain our home when it used to take two to do that. The worries are endless.

So the Obama administration has a new health care initiative for Alzheimer's that promises:

"In addition, the Fiscal Year 2013 budget to be released next week will include $80 million dollars in new research funding," US Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said today during a media briefing at the National Press Club. "Altogether, the Fiscal Years 2012 and 2013 investments total $130 million in new Alzheimer's research funding over 2 years, more than a 25% increase over the current annual Alzheimer's research investment," she said. The initiative also includes an additional $26 million in caregiver support, provider education, public awareness, and improvements in data infrastructure." See link.

How does the Alzheimer's and caregiver support get funneled down? How comforting is this?

What is comforting is the words that I read in my Bible yesterday from Psalm 31:1-7, NIV.

LORD, I have gone to you for safety;

Don't let me ever be put to shame.

Save me, because you do what is right.

Pay attention to me.

Come quickly to help me.

Be the rock I go to for safety.

Be the strong fort that saves me;

You are my rock and my fort.

Lead me and guide me for the honor of your name.

Free me from the trap that is set for me.

You are my place of safety.

Into your hands I commit my very life.

LORD, set me free. You are my faithful God.

I hate those who worship worthless statues of gods.

I trust in the LORD.

I will be glad and full of joy because you love me.

You saw that I was hurting.

You took note of my great pain.

Facts and Figures

Compairing deaths in 2000 with deaths in 2006 people died less from heart disease, breast cancer, prostate cancer, stroke than they did from Alzheimer's Disease by 2006.  Of all those causes of death, only deaths from AD were up by 46. 1 % according to the 2010 Alzheimer's Association's report. In those years heart disease deaths went down by 11.5 % ; breast cancer by 2.6 %; prostate cancer by 8.7%; and stroke by 18.2%. I am grateful for all the advances in these diseases, but Alzheimer's has not received a cure unfortunately and Alzheimer's is increasing.

This means more caregivers.

According to the recently released 2011 Alzheimer’s Disease Facts and Figures from the Alzheimer's Association, there are now nearly 15 million Alzheimer’s and dementia caregivers in the United States. This report shows that there are far more Alzheimer’s and dementia caregivers than previously believed. These individuals provided 17 billion hours of unpaid care valued at $202.6 billion. To put this in perspective, if Alzheimer’s and dementia caregivers were the only residents of a single state, it would be the fifth largest state in the country. From Caring News

Sally, Jake, DH and I have been taking a class called "Living a Healthy Life with Chronic Conditions". I think there have been real breakthoughs as the result of this class. My husband and Jake just love joking around . Sally and I are more serious; both of us are working on FlyLady principles to organize our homes for the days/years ahead when we are the caregivers. The facilitators of this class will also follow up on the four of us.

The road we caregivers are on is uncharted. As a spouse, I don't know where this will all end. One day at a time.  Today is good. My husband is mowing the front yard.

Celebrity Power Two

It sure doesn’t hurt to have a celebrity, journalist and California first lady, Maria Shriver, help the Alzheimer’s cause.

"We're trying to take it out of the closet and put it into the living room." Maria Shriver said in this week’s ABC special. ABC News Video Video is so moving.

 Shriver’s report according to Time (see Time article) says that we still do not know a lot and more needs to be done. We do know that there are risk factors for dementia and preventative behaviors as reported by Duke University:

"When we applied rigorous but consistent standards to review all the studies, we found that there was not sufficient evidence to recommend any single activity or factor that was protective of cognitive decline later in life," says Plassman. [Brenda Plassman is the leader of the study.] However weakly, though, the review did support what doctors know about risk factors for cognitive decline: smoking, diabetes, depression, metabolic syndrome (the constellation of conditions including high blood pressure, obesity and high cholesterol that are associated with heart disease and diabetes) and specific gene variants were all linked with increased risk of developing Alzheimer's disease. In addition, preventive behaviors such as eating a Mediterranean diet (high in fruits and vegetables, omega-3 fatty acids and unsaturated fats), exercising, maintaining cognitive engagement (doing puzzles, learning new things) and fostering extensive social relationships were linked to a lower risk. The problem is that none of these relationships were particularly robust, the authors say. And none were strong enough to justify recommending the behaviors to people who want to prevent or slow down the onset of dementia.

Next year we have the “Community Living Assistance Services” a voluntary long-term care provided by the government. I do not know the specifics. Shriver says more needs to be done for the enormous financial costs involved. Long-term care insurance is costly, and Medicare does not pay for nursing home care. The Community Living Assistance Services and Supports Act became law as part of President Obama's health care reform, and it will provide voluntary long-term care insurance provided by the federal government starting in 2011. Despite this new law, the Shriver Report says it's not nearly enough to offset much of the financial burden of long-term care, and urges the government to make more financial assistance available. The costs will only rise with the baby boomers coming into retirement. I did buy $58.20 a month coverage for myself which I could get because I am healthy, but can’t get for my husband because of his heart history, diabetes and Mixed Dementia diagnosis. I may need that coverage myself because of the stress that I have as a caregiver and I am definitely looking into the voluntary government coverage for my husband.

For more see these links:

Videos   

Lindsey Jordan, Teen Caregiver

Meanwhile I am going to enjoy the abilities of my husband that he currently has and daily put our future in the Lord's hands.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Maria.

Yes to more research,

yes to more help for us caregivers,

yes to more public awareness.