Financial Impact of Being a Caregiver

I am often very transparent about life. 

Why not--God needs to get the glory 

as I wrote in my book, 

Getting Off the Niceness Treadmill!

I do not need to get the glory.  

      We bought our home in 2001 within the first year of our marriage. In 2004 my husband had a heart attack and shortly thereafter the house was refinanced to include the car payment for our used Expedition. After his recovery, we both continued working. I retired from stressful full-time teaching in Polk County Schools in 2007. 
      In December of 2008 my husband and I were all set to begin some retirement years together.  However he was diagnosed with dementia. Six months after this diagnosis, my husband retired. I helped him draft a two weeks notice letter. I surmised that he was not able to remember new directions from his employers and felt he needed to give his two-week notice.

         Suddenly I would have to pull in more income. Eventually I decided to work as a substitute teacher in public schools and to continue my part-time position as an instructor for DUI classes. These two employment opportunities allowed me flexibility for my new role as a dementia caregiver.

         At some point our financial advisor who monitored my IRA suggested we take a second mortgage at a bank where he had a friend. The thought was that the second mortgage would help us maintain the property because undoubtedly it would go up in value before it would need to be sold.          

        I studied Alzheimer’s and kept a good credit rating I thought. We lived our life as best as we could and Sally and Jake gave us a used pop-up camper and we went camping with them. We had two cars until a crash in December of 2010 that I wrote about HERE, which totaled our best car. He stopped driving and I drove our 1999 gas-guzzler Expedition until December of 2013 when it would have taken $6000 to fix. We then purchased a newer used car HERE that he would be able to get into and out of much easier than the Expedition, which we had to give away. We again had car payments.

         In the later years of caregiving we had wonderful volunteers that enabled me to continue to work and my husband to continue to stay in our home. Kenny would come to check on him while I worked and Pharis would take care of our yard and repairs.

          In May of 2014 my husband was rapidly declining and it became apparent that I needed to stay home and not substitute teach, although I was contracted to teach DUI classes and couldn't get out of that.    

        With more decline it became harder for us to manage. There were two choices—a nursing home or Hospice. I chose Hospice. My husband loved our home and Hospice came into our home.  Not long after this decision, he passed away on June 23, 2014. A small life-insurance policy of $20,000 paid for the burial expenses and some of my expenses that summer. I expected to be substitute teaching again in August, but due to my husband’s death I had missed an important meeting for Kelly Services.  Without his Social Security, money became very tight.  Finally a month into the school year I again started substitute teaching and seeing if I could refinance the house with the first and second mortgages.

      The decision to sell was made during my 2014 Christmas vacation when I visited family in Huntsville, Alabama—I would sell and move there. In January I contacted the bank who held the first mortgage and explained the situation and I stopped paying automatically the first mortgage. Not paying the mortgage helped me survive and take care of needed repairs on the house including a new water softener to handle the rust problem. My realtor and my visiting Alabama brother explained the reality of the short-sell to me and I spent two months getting the house ready to sell. 

It had never occurred to me that I would have to downsize at this time, and to sell-short, but I will be happy to live in an apartment and to not burden my Huntsville family with having to downside and sell property in the future.  

      My highest value in the stressful life as a caregiver had been taking care of my late husband whom I loved so much.  There hadn’t been time to take care of myself or to assess the value of our property which we thought would increase by the time we would sell it.  

I am so glad for what I have and look forward to a simpler lifestyle in a two bedroom apartment where I will work on the seminary counseling dissertation on caregiving. Continue to pray for the sale of the home as the first buyer backed out this past week. Our home will be a golden find for someone and I look forward to my golden years in Huntsville, Alabama. 

Cars and Things Going Through the Roof

When dementia came into our marriage five years ago, we had two cars. Hubby passed two Alzheimer's driving tests and the possibility existed that he could be one of those seniors who drive who knows where and gets lost. Fortunately DH had at one point decided he wished to be a passenger and we would no longer need two cars. 


The decision of which car to get rid of was made for us.  A DUI driver totaled the gas-saver Saturn three years ago as reported HERE. So for three years we have had one gas-guzzler without car payments--The Expedition.  In 2013 it turned 200, 000, but my plan was that it should last until 300, 000. Somehow with help from Kenny we had been able to get  hubby into the passenger seat, but that step up on the running board was always a challenge. 


Tuesday morning the gas-guzzler engine rattled horribly as I backed out of the garage to go substitute teach. Fortunately my next door neighbor was able to give me a ride to school and teacher Mrs. Watson gave me a ride home. Tuesday night the Expedition was towed by AAA to Firestone who said it needed an expensive valve job that they didn't do.  I had the car towed to our Plant City FORD dealer where we bought the car thinking either repair or trade in the SUV. The diagnosis was an "intake manifold and engine problem" and it would cost $6400 to fix it. Wednesday Sally drove me to school to sub and picked me up from school and Thursday, yesterday, was the day to solve the transportation problem. I canceled my sub job. We needed a new (used) car rather than sink $6400 into this car! 


Kenny had Thursday afternoon free for us after his morning doctor appointment. He picked up DH and I about noon, and the three of us headed off to lunch. I got a text from my husband's daughter to go to a large Toyota dealer in Lakeland rather than try to barter a deal at our local Ford dealer where the gas guzzler was housed with my automatic garage door opener. Kenny thought that was a good idea to go to Lakeland and we got on I-4. 


Lakeland Toyota had recently expanded. We sat at a round table in large sales lobby ready to do business. Kenny commandeered Marcie to help us decide on a smart car. It was important that hubby be able to easily get in and out of a car now--it couldn't be too small.  Marcie had just the used car for us--gulp--with a seven year car payment after I put $2000 from a credit card down.  No trade-in, here, folks, and I could see their point. Dealing with the gas-guzzler at Ford would be another day. 


It took all afternoon for this lovely car to become ours as I am thinking prices are just through the roof even for five year old cars with 55,000 miles. Love this new-to-us shiny car with a great warranty that we acquired at twilight. It is a 2008 GMC Arcadia SUV and hubby just has to put his rear end on the seat and move his legs in. Perfect! And we do not have to rent cars to travel as we did last spring. 




Before Kenny came to drive us to Lakeland, I had yesterday morning to start decorating for Christmas It was time to start putting out my Swedish and hand-made decorations. Last Christmas we had not put up a tree because we flew out of town to my husband's son's home for Christmas. The artificial tree with its lights already on it was stored in the attic above the garage. Two years ago my husband had gone up the ladder to get that tree, but with his decreased mobility I needed to do that last night. 


When we came home from Toyota, I parked our new car in front of the house since the garage door opener was in the gas-guzzler at Ford. It was time to get that tree down with no car in the garage. I pulled the ladder down from the garage ceiling.  I climbed the ladder and asked Kenny to catch the tree that I would hand down to him. Suddenly. . . 

Something else had gone through the roof! 

Kenny took the picture and I'm thinking we should have filmed this for America's Funny Home Videos. Hubby of course got mad and swore profusely. This is what dementia patients do at his stage--their filters are gone. 


After dinner my husband had forgotten about our new car when I reminded him. He walked to the front door to view the smaller fuel-effiicient SUV, amazed that he didn't remember that we have a new vehicle. 


This morning I have bruises and a story to tell the teachers where I have been substituting all week. I will not remind hubby about my going through the garage ceiling. If he notices the hole, I will say Pharis is fixing the garage ceiling, which is true. 

Signs of Memory Loss and a "Normal" Day

I again taught a class for first-time DUI offenders yesterday, Saturday. This second day of the class they read their essay on how their DUI is a wake-up call for a new life. Saturday I heard essays about going back to their Christian faith from three gentlemen. Dramatic things happen to cause us to cry out to God, as I often do on my caregivng/lovegiving journey. See here.

Early in the DUI class I share a picture of an old couple who were hit by a DUI driver two years ago here and talk about all the trouble they had. We get to the point in this 12 hour class of accepting the DUI and of moving on to never ever get a second DUI and then I remark that we are that couple in the picture, a couple who are grateful to be alive. It is very effective when these students equate us with that old couple and the motivation then is high to work to never get another DUI--so easy in our society with all our bars and cars. I often parallel my accepting my husband's dementia with my students accepting their DUI and moving on to never get another DUI. Life doesn't give us some choices.

Hubby had not taken his morning pills before I left to teach. I called when I got to the class and reminded him. Then I called two more times on breaks from the class. Finally I said, "You take your pills while I am on the phone" and he did just that. I reminded him about his lunch in the refrigerator. It is always the same so that he will recognize it: sandwich, yogurt and two coconut chocolate fudge pieces on a dinner plate.

When I returned home about four, he had not eaten his lunch, but had gotten ready to go out. No more jeans or T-shirt, but a nice button down shirt, slacks and better shoes. He likes to dress up to go out. He remembered that!

We left for the Tampa area and I used the GPS to check on where my appointment for hearing aids would be. All during the trip he kept asking what is the next thing we are doing, but was very happy to be out and about. We went to dinner at Sweet Tomatoes, a healthy buffet place. DH ate fairly well there and thoughtfully reminded me to leave a tip on the table.

"What's next?" he wanted to know, although the plans to see the  movie "Lincoln" had been made that morning. Hubby likes history so I thought this would work. The movie was great, but he didn't follow all the nuances of the characters and great acting. He said simply, "I didn't care for it."  Fortunately he wasn't agitated about sitting through the movie.

Because he doesn't eat lunch many days, he will need more supervision and the Plant City Adult Day Care Sally and I are trying out for our husbands seems just the ticket at this stage. He will get a hot lunch there and be with his friend Jake. Hubby will often ask,  "When's the next time I see Jake" and it's good for our husbands to be together which we are planning at that center.

So I move through our days accommodating hubby's memory losses and trying to hold on to the life we have. Normal? We have a calm relationship and he trusts me. It's 5 AM and I am going back to bed. Looking forward to our Sunday, today, with worship and fellowship.

Here is a good Assessment for memory loss.

What an 18 Year Old Asked Me

I didn't expect her question last Saturday afternoon. I was tired and overbooked. I had had a busy week taking an addiction workshop for my recertification to teach DUI classes.  Saturday morning I was up at 5:15 AM to get to a 7 AM Weight Watcher meeting. Then I taught one DUI session from 9 AM to 1 PM and this was my second four hour class from 2 PM to 6 PM--a state mandated class for first-time drivers. As a senior citizen, I don't relish being so busy.

In the Saturday afternoon class I talked about our crash with a DUI driver that I wrote about earlier in this blog (December of 2010).  I feel telling about our crash helps instill safety and seriousness behind the wheel for first-time drivers. I mentioned that since one of our two cars had been totaled, we now have only one car. There is not a second car home when I am gone. My Alzheimer's husband can't drive off and get lost as often happens with those silver allerts. I talk about that crash and the students listen carefully. Apparently a husband who will die one day also interests one young lady.

The young 18 year old woman who is raising one child and expecting another one asked a perceptive question. Her sincere question deserved an answer I realized.

Are you upset that
your husband will die?

Usually a teacher doesn't talk about her personal life. There must have been something about me that made her comfortable to ask such a personal question.  I hadn't mentioned being upset and she wanted to know. A personal answer is not part of the curriculum, but this is where connection, so important in education and in really being a role model, needs to happen.  Connection was stressed in that addiction workshop I attended the previous week. I answered from my heart.

I take one day at a time and am not sad each day. I believe that my LORD will be there for me each step of the way. My job now is to keep my marriage vows "in sickness and in health . . . until death us do part." 

We had made a brief heart connection.

After class she said she wanted to see me again. I said that I wasn't allowed to keep up with students outside of class. She said she would call the office that schedules my classes and visit me when I taught again. Young people are watching how we deal with issues that life brings our way, or at least some of them are wanting our answers.