Moving Reflections: Finding a Church

Thirty years ago I was a member of a Huntsville church for part of the 15 months I lived here. I have a wonderful church family in Florida, but needed a church to worship with locally here while maintaining my Florida church ties. My plan had been to visit different churches in the Huntsville area and to take my time finding a church here while maintaining contact with my Florida church through social media including listening to my pastor's podcasts of his sermons. After all I am working on a counseling dissertation on dementia caregiving at the seminary connected with my Florida church.

The first time I lived in Huntsville I got married at age 40 and it wasn't long before in 1985 we moved to North Miami, Florida, where we were very active in a church. My first husband's funeral some eight years later was in that North Miami church and his daughter would buy our home in 2000 when I moved to the Plant City area to marry a certain Mr. Johnson whom I also had the sad task of burying last summer as I recorded on this blog.

My dad and I in
a certain church corridor
I would return to. 

Some thirty years have now gone by and I started my church search with that church I had been a member of with my first husband. My first Sunday there was Father's Day, June 21, 2015. After the senior Sunday School class,  I came to a corridor where I had been with my late father, ready for him to walk me down the aisle. I got teary-eyed. He had been 70 and I was 40. He was such an OLD 70--refusing at first to get on the plane to come to Alabama from California to see his only daughter finally get married. That Sunday I was still 70! I do not feel as old as my father seemed at 70 in 1985. I learned a lesson from his being a widower--get on with your life and do not get stuck in grief as Dad had.

I enjoy corporate worship and instruction through preaching and again felt at home with this church. Worship could not include visiting every church in Huntsville, I reasoned--scrap that plan.  Sunday, June 21, 2015, I knew that this would again be my Huntsville church family. The second Sunday, June 28th, I went with the seniors to a play in Guntersville on the church van in the afternoon. In July I volunteered for Vacation Bible School and met many younger women, youth and children.  In October I am starting a book study during the week at this church. 

When you move to a new state you have to get new automobile plates, new driver's license (took three days in three cities), new car insurance (half of what it was in Florida), new doctor, new bank, and the list goes on. But at least I have a church family locally. 

Caregivers Pete and Bonnie

Pete was married to Nancy almost 45 years. Bonnie was married to Jimmy for 36 years. I met both of them in church the Sunday before Christmas in Huntsville, Alabama. Instantly I connected with these two caregivers and wanted to interview them. Two days later I interviewed both of them over breakfast at a local restaurant.

Carol: What was the medical diagnosis of your spouse and how long did they live?

Bonnie:  Jimmy had chronic lymphocytic leukemia (CLL) and after diagnosis lived for two years.

Pete:  Nancy had a brain tumor and lived eighteen months after diagnosis.  I enjoy talking about my late wife—I enjoy the memory. Joyce, my deacon and Hospice care volunteer, remarked: 

Lose child you lose your future. 

Lose parents you lose your past of your history. 

Lose a spouse you lose your present.

Carol: Oh yes, you lose your present when you lose your spouse. I am adjusting to that loss.  Let me ask you both. This went so fast for you both. How did their illness and death catch you off guard? I mean I had from 2008 to 2014 to get used to my husband’s dementia and eventual death.

Bonnie:  Did it catch me off guard? Yes and no. I am a nurse. Jimmy was 59 and his illness was similar to his uncle who died with the same illness. I was expecting the genetic factor to kick in at some time. Everyone in his family said Jimmy reminded them of that uncle—he looked like him.

Pete: Yes, Nancy’s illness did catch me off guard. There was no known family history. She had had thyroid cancer surgery, a lumpectomy and both were malignant. Then fifteen years later an unrelated cancer popped up--but this time in the brain. It hadn’t been metastasized from the previous two cancers. The surgeon who gave the latest diagnosis cried with Nancy and me.

Carol: How did your Christian faith play into this caregiving experience?

Bonnie:  Music means a lot to me. One particular hymn had the words Come yet disconsolate. The choir sang it when seven students were killed in a tornado in Enterprise, AL. The arrangement was written after that Enterprise horrible incident. That hymn and arrangement spoke volumes to my heart. I was disconsolate.

Carol: Our faith does give us insight when we suffer, but, really, how hard was it to be your spouse’s caregiver?

Pete: Very hard to see her ill and to go downhill. Nancy became very fearful. She wanted me there all the time. Once I tried to go get a haircut and she called three times on my cell phone before I could get to the barbershop.

Bonnie: I remember when Jimmy wasn’t able to keep our financial records and kept going downhill. It was devastating for me. I was 54 and as a nurse I knew when I found the lump in his neck it was not good.  Initially they thought it was the chronic type, but within 6 months the oncologist decided it had progressed enough to treat it. My husband had chemo then. My way of coping was a bit of denial because I felt I had control--I was a nurse. I could draw his blood. I could take it to the lab. I disassociated myself from that part—it became almost mechanical. 

Finally we did go to M. D. Anderson Cancer research in Houston, Texas. As I watched Jimmy decline, I recognized the end-of-life progression. I was told if he didn’t get platelets, he would die. After coming back home, a visit with his dad was gratifying. His daughter wanted to be with him until the end and she told him she would be okay and he winked at her. Jimmy lived five days in Hospice care after he came back home from Houston.

Carol: So while he was in Houston, you were away from home and support of family and friends. How was that, Bonnie?

Bonnie: While we were in Houston, talks on the phone with my sister, close girlfriends and church members were of great comfort. It seems when we became downhearted, someone would call. Email 

with encouragement lifted our spirits and we could read them again 

and again.

Carol: Bonnie, what about after Jimmy died?

Bonnie:   After Jimmy died, I withdrew and became depressed. I did not allow the church to nurture me. I felt like I had to mourn. I became drained. It was too exhausting to interact with people, so I sat at home and did not interact. I was immobilized. Within the first year Jimmy’s aunt took me on a trip to Scandinavian. A ray of hope came in.  After two years I started remodeling my home. After five years I moved to a patio home.  Gradually I got back into life.

Carol: I can learn much from your journey.  I need to be determined to get back into life. When you started remodeling the house and went on a trip, you got the resources to move on. I need to do that as well. However, in my case, it is not remodeling, but getting the house ready to sell. Life does go on.

Let me ask Pete. I am doing my counseling dissertation on the church and caregiving. How did the  church help you in this journey?

Pete: Our Sunday School class fed my late wife and me for 18 months. Why I even had two refrigerators full of food when she died. Another church in the Huntsville area had an adult day care called Trinity Friends. Even when she was paralyzed I  took her to that day care.  I had a car with butt-level seats so she could easily get in and out of the car. She finally wanted me to have respite so I could do errands while she was at that day care.

Carol: Brain tumors start to have much in common with Alzheimer's. How did Nancy's mind change?

Pete: Nancy had trouble naming things. She could read a storybook to our granddaughter, but not communicate. She lost words before she lost her short-term memory. We just don’t understand the brain. In the last month Hospice was there, she never had pain. My two prayers were answered—that I could take care of her and that she wouldn’t have pain.

Carol: What was your grief like, Pete?

Pete: When she died, I cried, but I felt I wasn’t alone. I got over 2000 cards and letters and a deacon and Hospice ministered to me. I went to a weekend seminar on grieving. At that grief session I learned from the Hospice chaplain that it’s okay to grieve. This engineer (me) understood the process more.

Bonnie:  I also went to that weekend session where I witnessed other people’s pain in community and how everyone was dealing with the pain. It was comforting. Also the Hospice social worker helped my children. My girlfriends helped me get back into life. I started volunteering by helping with respite care  at our church.

Carol: Like you two I have been in a grief program. I am determined to move on and am planning to sell and move. Speaking of moving on, you two caregivers married!

Bonnie: Yes, and our families have blended well.

Pete: I got the daughter I never had before. However, at one time we had three houses and two motor homes.

Bonnie: I had been visiting Nancy while she was ill and apparently she like me. I saw Nancy’s inability to communicate when I delivered food to her.

Pete: Apparently Nancy had told a mutual friend that I should find someone like Bonnie. After Bonnie and I were engaged, we learned that news.

Bonnie: We did not know this until after we were engaged!

Carol: It is so exciting how you two have forged a new life together. One more question.  Is it uncomfortable now to talk with each other about those caregiving years with the previous spouse?

Both Pete and Bonnie said not at all and what a pleasure it has been to talk with both of them and to see how they have survived being caregivers, being widowed, moving ahead and forging a new life in their senior years! It is interesting to me that I have met these two new friends (and others) in the two weeks at the end of 2014 that I have been visiting with family in Huntsville. I am thinking positively about moving to Huntsville, Alabama. 

Can I too move on? Their stories inspire me to do just that! 

Eighth Graders Learn About Alzheimer's From a Classmate

Picture of me and my husband on lanyard

It was the 23rd of September several days ago. Three months ago my husband had died (June 23). I choose to wear black that day and had a small picture of us on my lanyard with my Kelly substitute badge. I told the students the day marked three months since my husband had died. One student made me this thoughtful tribute that said, "Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, but happiness leaves memories no one can steal!"

It also was an unexpected day in sixth period with one more period to go. I was with another teacher in a fused class. (I worked with her in her class 2nd and 6th periods.) An announcement came on the intercom:

"Modified Lockdown" we heard.

As a substitute I did not know the procedure. The regular teacher covered the door window and put a sign on the bottom that said "safe". She started a discussion that included car accidents and life and death and reputations. She made the eighth graders think about eulogies and what they might want others to think about them when they die. Another announcement came on the intercom.

"Full Lockdown." We would not go on to seventh 
period but stay in 6th period for safety. 

We would have a lot of time with the students. I told the story of my crash with my late husband and how grateful I was that I had more time with him and he wasn't killed; I mentioned briefly his Alzheimer's. The students sat quietly and I looked out the window from the second story. I saw a security officer in the parking lot with the buses lined up ready to take the students home. Overhead a helicopter was circling the school. We let students who had cell phones text their parents to say they were okay and would be home late. 

Rita (not her real name) raised her hand high and wanted to tell the story of her grandmother who took care of her when she was a preschooler.  Rita was the youngest in her family and her mother worked. That grandmother was fun and loved people--her siblings and cousins and all family members.  

One day when Rita was four she was driving in the car with her grandmother and they had a crash. Her grandmother ended up in the hospital and after that crash went down hill steadily, as the granddaughter tells it. When Rita then went to elementary school, the grandmother would call any young girl "Rita", but did not recognize the real Rita, her own granddaughter who was so attached to her. Eventually the grandmother went to live in a facility, not able to walk and take care of herself.  The grandmother died when Rita was eleven and sometimes she and her mother visit the grave. She was not ashamed to cry in the classroom and the students listened attentively to her story.

That day the reality of Alzheimer's

came to 13 and 14 year olds 
from their classmate Rita. 

There had been a rumor that someone had brought a gun to the school. After the school had been searched, several security officers unlocked our door and we were able to leave about 5 PM.  Security lined the halls as the students walked out of the building to the buses. Even when I walked to my car there were security along the way—I suppose in case someone would open up and fire a weapon -- then that security could restrain him/her. Two TV channels had their vans outside the school and this incident was on the local news. 

Security lined my path to my car at the end of that  day. 

As for me, I reflected on Rita's poignant story of her grandmother, and was grateful no incident had happened at the school. After a quick supper I went on to my evening grief support group. 

"Loving Her Husband" by Linda Bukowy

My creative friend, Linda Bukowy, writes poems for people. Her book, Treasures, published by Genie Publishing, has poetry she has written over the years. Here is the poem she wrote for me on the occasion of my husband's recent death.

If one could describe a caring heart

It would be named our loving Carol,

In all you did it showed forth love

Love that was poured into you from God above,

In all your times of loving care,

In sickness and health you were always there,

A loving caregiver is such a gift,

Being there for each other gives you both a lift,

Giving someone the gift of your time,

It says no matter what you are all mine,

To offer comfort in their greatest need,

Needing a touch from you, you follow their lead,

then it comes time to let them go,

You are able to, because you love them so,

No more sorrow, no more pain,

Only love, joy, peace, eternity to gain,

And when they go home to the greatest Caregiver of all,

God knows them by name, they have answered His call. 

Thank you, Linda, for penning a poem for me and sharing in my grief. 

____________________________

Not to miss a beat in finding new markets, Hallmark has an apropos card as pictured above. It says:

New Cards for After Alzheimer's

Even through the twilight

that fell upon your loved one's mind,

the light of your love and care 

continued to shine,

bringing more comfort

than you may know.

And inside it reads:

You gave so much of yourself

in the face of great loss.

What a beautiful testament to your love

and to the importance and dignity

of a life we will never forget. 

Yes, Sweetheart, I will always love you and look forward to our reunion in Heaven. It was a privilege to be one of the select few who were able to comfort you at the end of your life and to remind you and us all of the hope of the Gospel.

Thanks to everyone for your cards, condolences, and hugs.

Not My Problem?

NOT MY PROBLEM? 

Romans 12:10-15 reads: 
Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; 
not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; 
rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, 
continuing steadfastly in prayer; 
distributing to the needs of the saints, 
given to hospitality. 
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 
Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.

There is so much physical and mental suffering out there. Some people are grieving the loss of a loved one due to disease or accidental death. So many causes to support and people to care about and pray about. Sometimes we miss that suffering and just concentrate on our own family and our own issues. We want to be happy after all. Why care about . . .

• Cancer research is a big one. Wear pink. Many times cancer research gets big bucks because people with Alzheimer's often die of other causes. Nonetheless, let's support both cancer and Alzheimer's research. 
• Problems with asbestos. Heather send me an email to feature asbestos problems HERE.
• Mental and physical abuse by others. Human trafficking. Horrible scars. 
• Loneliness.  

which can lead to

• Depression. See HERE for what you can do. 
• Autism. This can be a hard one for families. 
  

• Whooping cough. Saw this poster at the right at the mall telling us to get vaccinated. Praying for some children who have whooping cough now.
• Addictions of various sorts. I teach a class about once a month for DUI offenders and we discuss those substance addictions. 

We saw the movie "God Is Not Dead" Thursday night. A lead character has a mother with Alzheimer's in that movie. That mother didn't remember her son and daughter. In the movie the daughter was attentive, but the son wasn't. The mother loved chicken and would request it every night. My hubby is getting like that--favorite foods. I asked him about the scenes with the mother in the movie and her poor memory. He didn't remember that scene. The next morning he didn't remember the movie.

Yes, I mainly write about dementia issues here, but LORD forgive me for not caring and reaching out to others with other needs.

I do know that my husband's faith shows when his memory doesn't and he cares about issues that he sees in the moment and we can pray together in the moment. You should have heard his prayer Monday at the restaurant when we took Kenny out for his birthday. It was as if he never had vascular dementia or Alzheimer's. As Sally and I learned in an Alzheimer's workshop yesterday, the soul doesn't get Alzheimer's.



Let's remember that our ALZHEIMER'S caregiving is not the only issue out there. Above all, let's heed the call of the LORD on our lives before we get Alzheimer's or some other dementia when we cannot heed His call.

Carol

Interview With a Lovely LaTane



Any One Riding Off into the Sunset?

 LaTane and I follow each other on our blogs, Google Plus and Pinterest . She accepted my friend request on Facebook Tuesday and I talked her through how to chat on Facebook.  

Carol: LaTane, thanks so much for being willing to chat. We seniors have to learn so much don't we!

LaTane: Yes, it's an entirely new world for us. I try to stay in touch with today's technology but find that I can't run as fast as I once did!!

Carol: I know. Barb (Cleaning Up the Clutter) helped me get on Pinterest, and then this last week my sister-in-law helped me adjust to an iPhone after my five year old cell phone died. But for this interview you and I have two things in common--widowhood and caregiving. I have been a widow and you are one now. I am a caregiver now and you have been one.

LaTane: Yes, and I bet if we explored it further we would have other things in common.

Carol: We both love the LORD, blogging, writing, quilts, etc.

LaTane: Yes, you got it!

Carol: You have been a widow for over a year now. How long were you a caregiver?

LaTane: About eleven years with my husband. I took care of my Mom, who had dementia, for 12 years prior to that.

Carol: Wow! Did taking care of her prepare you for hubby's situation?

LaTane: Not really. Each one was so different and in many ways you treat dementia differently. Alzheimer’s is much more complex. Also, taking care of your Mom isn't like having your spouse retreat into a dark hole. Maybe I should have used the word “disappear” instead of retreat. Retreat is a conscious effort, disappearance is not really.

Carol: “Disappear” is a good word for it. How did you notice that happening?

LaTane: A missed appointment, confusion over where we were supposed to be, forgetting things he should have known.

Carol: And it is easy to nag until you learn what Alzheimer’s is.

LaTane: I am afraid I did some of that nagging. I expected to have Elbert by my side until we rode off into the sunset together, with him being that strong and capable man that he was. The tables were turning and I was scared.

Carol: I know I miss that strength from my husband now and I have to learn a new language just to simply be able to communicate and to be responsible for so much.

LaTane: Having to take on the entire responsibility for the two of you is very difficult. You are getting older, have less energy and now you have it all to do. And, let's face it-- men do some things better than women!!

Carol: I had that as a widow also. I went through Hurricane Andrew with my late husband and then every time something would come up after he died (insurance, fixing something around the house, mowing the lawn) the grieving would be painful in another way.

LaTane: In my generation the man assumed the role as head of the household (with me as his partner). It just felt odd to have to make every decision by myself. But, I had a very supportive family to help me through all that.

Carol: Did you have any role models for being your mother’s and husband’s caregiver or did you learn and blog as it went along? Was navigating all the insurance and medical decisions hard for both mom and hubby?

LaTane: That is one thing I am having so much trouble figuring out-- all these companies and stuff that Elbert took care of. My brain is so overloaded. Mother was easy. But, when I knew that we would have a lot of decisions to make (and before Elbert got too bad) we went to an elder law attorney who guided us through so much of the legal tangles that we would face. A couple of our children were involved in every aspect of that. I will say it helped so much to have a professional in our corner. We also had a very knowledgeable family services director who was always there for us.

Carol: Did your late husband have trouble with driving, hallucinating, anger issues?

LaTane: Elbert was a very calm person in the real world and I am so thankful that he, for the most part, remained calm and nonviolent. He was easy to care for in that respect but he would want to “go home” and after his getting out of the house and down the street in the middle of the night more than once we installed alarms on the outside doors. These can be bought at Lowe's for a small amount and alerts you when the door opens.

Carol: Good tip and I think there is also an Alzheimer’s store that where you can buy such items.

LaTane: He spent nearly two years falling several times a day and that was my main task--keeping him off of the floor. Someone had to be with him at all times because he did not remember not to get out of his chair without help. That was a very stressful time. After that length of time his doctor decided that he was having seizures which caused the falls.

Carol: Then came the nursing home I would imagine. I read about that on your blog which I religiously followed.

LaTane: Yes, and, that was a very difficult decision. Tore our hearts out but I just could not continue on with his care.

Carol: Did you have to trick him to get him to move? And how did the elder law attorney help with this?

LaTane: We investigated several places which I suggest everyone do. After the choice was made my daughter and I took him to meet with the director and also to familiarize him with what could be his new surroundings. Later, after his room was set up and all his clothes in place we took him, visited with him in the room and then the director brought in another resident who had similar interest to distract Elbert. The family left and I really do not think he ever realized where he was.

Carol: So interesting that he recognized it as his home with his things.

LaTane: His first home away from home was an Alzheimer’s wing in an assisted living facility. A bit more upbeat, more like home situation which made it easier I think.

Carol: So you were now on road to being a widow and yet married when he left your home you both had shared.

LaTane: Yes. You lose your loved one to Alzheimer’s long before they pass away.

Carol: I know this is what my fate is. I do not know how to prepare for it.

LaTane: Your role as caregiver becomes your main focus, your existence. You do whatever you must in order to make their days (and yours) as comfortable as possible. That becomes your full time job. I must add that there are sweet moments of tenderness, of love, of hugs. You learn to cherish those beyond measure.
Carol: Oh yes I am cherishing each good day we have. I however just challenged DH to finish his breakfast, take his pills and scolded the dog for not eating also!

LaTane: That's funny... poor little doggie!

Carol: I talked to the dog and now he is beside me. Both the dog and the husband here do not understand me! However, I am still able to work outside the home.
LaTane: I do not know how women still work (or men if their wives have AD). It's such a challenge without a full time job.

Carol: I am working to pay off credit cards so I can stay home one day when I have to. Also substituting and teaching classes for DUI offenders are a sort of break.

LaTane: Oh yes, we all need those breaks.

Carol: Did you get any breaks and did you feel guilty when you took a break?

LaTane: I finally found a woman who would sit with Elbert when I went out. She was wonderful with him. I was feeling guilty to begin with but soon realized that I had to take care of myself in order to be able to take care of him. They preached that in the support group I went to.

Carol: On our subject of widowhood, I had to be babysat when I got rid of the clothes, books, etc. of my late husband.

LaTane: Was his death sudden or was his illness a long one? In my case I found that I was prepared to stack his clothes in a pile and ask someone to take them. Having him living away from home for a year and a half had to have helped my state of mind in that regard.

Carol: My late husband died very suddenly from a blood clot following surgery. Then I dated too soon when I was a widow and then had grief on top of heartbreak. You try to fill the void before your grieving is done. How are you doing with widowhood now? One of my mother-in-laws told me she didn't want to take care of some old man. Are you thinking of remarriage at all?

LaTane: I have a lot of things I am involved in. I stay busy. I meet friends for lunch. I had a few months counseling which helped. It's a long process. Don't rush yourself. Just face each morning when the sun comes up.

Carol: I had counseling also and went to a widow support group. My counselor asked me, Why are you in such a hurry to replace your husband, Carol.

LaTane: I don't think I will ever be ready for marriage. I said I would never get involved with someone, I love being alone too much. But, I realized I really missed the companionship that a man provides. I do date some. I appreciate anyone for showing kindness.

Carol: The Scriptures tell younger widows to remarry, not older ones.

LaTane: Hey, where is that Scripture?

Carol: I Timothy 5:14 and there may be room for interpretation here, I think it is both good and controversial when older people marry. The thing is you are so vulnerable as a widow. It took me a long time to marry another Christian—I was 55 when I remarried. I am glad I can be his wife/caregiver now. It is my marriage commitment.

LaTane: See, I don't think I am in that place in my life that I can go there. I wonder sometimes if I am just searching for what I had.

Carol: The best, Heaven, is yet to come.

LaTane: Amen to that!

Carol: I am envious of people who are almost there often (Heaven), yet live to hear my LORD say, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant." Well, LaTane, you have a cold and need to take care of yourself. I am very grateful that you have shared this experience. Hugs and prayers as always and look forward to maybe meeting you this side of Heaven.

LaTane: You have been great interviewing me, drawing me out.
Carol:  “TTYL” as the young people write!

LaTane:  I know your journey is fairly new and I pray for peace and guidance for you in the days and years to come. Bye for now!