More Demented Humor

Bob: Why do you have an enema in your ear?

Other senior: Oh that's where my hearing aid went! 
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Me on November 11 as hubby goes to the bathroom: So glad you are not using your urinal now so I don't have to empty it. [I have been emptying his urinal which he also calls his "pee jar" since August 27 when it has been hard for him to walk.]

DH: Oh, I haven't been using one since two years ago.

Is that right! I say to myself. Two years! No sense of time here! 

Now I have my aging issues also--mainly my hearing. Also as a senior I need to often use the restroom in the middle of the night to pee and this is one reason I am glad we no longer camp in a popup camper which didn't have a bathroom. I hated those middle of the night trips to the camp bathroom. When I sleep really soundly, I often pee on my way to the bathroom when I finally get up in the middle of the night. When I am wise instead of sleepy, I get up right away and no problem. 

But not always. Hubby laughed at me in the middle of the night when I told him about why I needed to change my PJs. Getting old ain't fun, I said and he laughed.  I think my self-depreciation makes him feel comfortable with his limitations. 
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Get two guys with Alzheimer's together and there might at long last be an argument after three years of knowing each other. It was bound to happen. Both men are capable of asking the same question over and over again and Sally and I just act like it was the first time it was asked. 

One day Sally was going to pick up Jake at our home. Jake wanted to know when his wife was coming and kept repeatedly asking every minute or so. Hubby got mad. 

DH: Stop your [expletive deleted] asking the same question over and over. 

Jake: Stop you swearing or I will beat you up and never step inside your house again! He was very angry at his buddy of three years. 

Jake went out to the front yard. I went out there to see that in his anger at my husband he didn't walk away and wander. I took the hose and started watering the beautiful plants that Pharis had planted. Soon Sally came to get her angry husband. 

Both husbands forgot about the incident the next day. AD patients do not hold grudges! 

Alzheimer's and other dementias are not funny, but you just have to laugh sometimes. 

* First Demented Humor post was HERE. Pictures from Facebook I think, but can't remember!!!

Tax Refund and Computer Woes

I checked irs.gov where is my refund. The IRS on line reported our refund status results:

"We cannot provide information about your refund."

Our accountant will look into it on Monday. We filed jointly and the accountant did it electronically this year for the first time. Every day this last month it seems I have gone to the mailbox to get that check that will help us through the summer when I do not substitute teach. Our church tithe and mortgage give us a substantial refund. I have started charging things I shouldn't change because no refund, trying to "save" somewhere. I maintain a strict budge and it will need to be more strict. The gardening projects and the grocery budget will suffer. We save on gas because I will be home, but will suffer in other areas. Really, government, I am conservative, but not in the Tea Party whom reportedly are persecuting with tax audits, etc.

Computer Woes. I am typing this post on my notebook computer because this morning a computer problem reared its ugly head. I cannot type on our main computer. I had hoped to post two posts--one on my husband and one on The House That Cleans Itself--garden areas including pictures which are on the other computer.. I am not sure if it is Microsoft 8 rearing its insertion into that computer or some other problem.

Do you ever feel like swearing? These two problems make me feel like it, but I hate the cheap dialogue of swearing! It's enough to deal with Alzheimer's in the home, but computer woes and tax refund woes are weighing heavily on me today. I hear swearing when I am driving and at home from my husband. With the frustrations of dementia at times hubby swears--what he never did before Alzheimer's when married to me. Swearing is common in these patients, however. Then they forget they swore. I just let his swearing roll of my back, but in public school, I have to deal with it, teach students to have more precise and careful words when they are angry.

Yesterday I wrote a rap about the limited vocabulary of swearing, calling it Much More Pizzazz. It needs revision and if it works with students, it will maybe in a 2014 YouTube at the same site as the 2013 videos to be released this month.
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Got the hebe jibes about your swearing
Name callin’ makes you think you’re daring
Don’t give me lip and think you’re hip
And “OMG” has so been had

Your words need much more pizzazz.
No more A-B-D-F-MF-N-or SH words
These are all you use
And you have no clue
Helps the script writers on movies or TV
But your words need much more pizzazz.
Let’s ban obscenity
Let’s ban profanity
Impaired thinking
Vocabulary stinking
Your words need much more pizzazz.
If you’re not happy
Don’t say something crappy
Or suck your teeth
Roll you eyes instead of speech
When you speak
It’s rude to be crude
Speak with modesty not obscenity
Be truthful but not offensive
Your words need much more pizzazz.

Say “Jiminy Cricket” when someone’s wicked
Say “plug nickel” when someone’s fickle
Say “dumbfounded” when you’re grounded
And "holy cow" and “bejesus” are sort of iffy
“Good gracious gravy” might be more nifty
Your words need much more pizzazz.
There’s a lot to do for your anger
And it’s not to use your finger
Say “cripes” for your gripes
Say “bummer” if it’s hot this summer
Say "fudge" when you made a smudge
Get you some chutzpa
Get you some respect
Deal with the issue
As precisely as you can get
Your words need much more pizzazz.

Got the hebe jibes about your swearing
Name callin’ makes you think you’re daring
Don’t give me lip and think you’re hip
And “OMG” has so been had
Your words need much more pizzazz.
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They say all that is certain is death and taxes. Both will resolve themselves. Maybe that other computer problem will be resolved. Today I just need prayer and maybe coffee, or a phone call.

Added June 4, 2013. I put color on this post and added the above photo I took in a classroom. Rap keeps getting revised. Tax refund will come by the end of June. The accountant checked and made an electronic correction.  The computer keyboard works by unplugging and plugging it back in thanks to a Facebook suggestion. There is so much patience needed to be a caregiver/lovegiver, but apparently I didn't have patience for my computer and my tax refund. Thank you for your prayers and concerns, folks.

What My Husband's Dementia Means, Part One

My hubby has mixed dementia, meaning the neurologist diagnosed him with about 50 % Vascular Dementia and 50% Alzheimer's. The Family Doctor Organization helps explain what the broad category of dementia is.

• Recent memory loss. All of us forget things for a while and then remember them later. People who have dementia often forget things, but they never remember them. They might ask you the same question over and over, each time forgetting that you've already given them the answer. They won't even remember that they already asked the question. Perhaps this is the most annoying aspect until you get used to it. DH's grandson talked to him on the phone before church today and I heard my husband ask repeatedly "What have you been up to?" Special events in the past month and even year he does remember, but day-to-day conversation with him can be taxing if you aren't used to it.

• Difficulty performing familiar tasks. People who have dementia might cook a meal but forget to serve it. They might even forget that they cooked it. Hubby has always had me cook or plan the meals. He can warm up things in the microwave that I have clearly labeled for him. He can leave the lawn mower outside and forget to put it away. Or, it could be his lack of initiative for finishing a task. Jake, on the other hand, loves to feel useful and will even pack up their RV to go camping even when they aren't going camping! AS THEY SAY, WHEN YOU HAVE SEEN ONE CASE OF ALZHEIMER'S YOU HAVE SEEN ONE CASE OF ALZHEIMER'S--EVERY PATIENT IS DIFFERENT.

• Problems with language. People who have dementia may forget simple words or use the wrong words. This makes it hard to understand what they want. They say that with dementia the nouns are the first to go. I have seen this once recently, and LOL I can't remember what it was that he was trying to describe to me. He did describe a function of an object without that word.

• Time and place disorientation. People who have dementia may get lost on their own street. They may forget how they got to a certain place and how to get back home. Today my husband wanted to clarify where he lives and I told him Plant City, Florida. This surprised me, but it shouldn't.

• Poor judgment. Even a person who doesn't have dementia might get distracted. But people who have dementia can forget simple things, like forgetting to put on a coat before going out in cold weather. DH still has good judgment, but I notice that our friend Jake needs to be watched. Sally caught him spray painting something that didn't need it. Jake has lots of initiative to do things, in fact he helped my husband mow on Saturday.

• Problems with abstract thinking. Anybody might have trouble balancing a checkbook, but people who have dementia may forget what the numbers are and what has to be done with them. I do the finances now. He turned them over to me when I retired from full-time work several years ago. I really appreciate the systems he set up--on-line banking and an Excel spreadsheet to help maintain the budget. Hubby loves movies, but the older ones without subtleties are best for him.

• Misplacing things. People who have dementia may put things in the wrong places. They might put an iron in the freezer or a wristwatch in the sugar bowl. Then they can't find these things later. So true and I have blogged here about loss of keys and cell phones.

• Changes in mood. Everyone is moody at times, but people who have dementia may have fast mood swings, going from calm to tears to anger in a few minutes.  Life can be confusing for him and the result can be swearing and anger. Later he will forget the incident.

• Personality changes. People who have dementia may have drastic changes in personality. They might become irritable, suspicious or fearful. Knowing this I try to keep his life as calm as possible.

• Loss of initiative. People who have dementia may become passive. They might not want to go places or see other people. My husband is an extravert and so he does enjoy people still. He also wants to go places. However, he does show loss of initiative; often he wants to do the masculine jobs still, like mow the lawn, take out the garbage and carry heavy things, but I walk a fine line between encouraging him to mow the lawn and nagging. This will be worse this summer because of all the rain here.

The link above also deals with hallucinations, agitation and wandering, problems that are not huge so far.

One strange thing I have noticed is that when I am driving hubby will say things like:

• "That's [whatever] been on the road a long time." Don't think so, but they say never argue with someone with Alzheimer's.
• "They have been fixing this road for years." Not so.
• "That car needs to get out of the way." His agitation can be peppered with swearing, but I roll with the punches and at times change the subject. Sometimes he says he is glad that he doesn't drive anymore and of course I am also.

Sally has a backseat driver on her hands when she drives; Jake is constantly telling her how to drive.

Both of our husbands are very protective of us. When Sally was going to go get groceries on Saturday, Jake suggested I go with her while he helped my hubby in our yard. Jake felt better if someone was with Sally. While my hubby likes to go on errands with me, he can tolerate my going out to teach or to Weight Watchers, activities that he can't really attend.

Both Sally and I are in our marriages "for better--for worse" and count our days as lovegivers precious in this stage, knowing that the worse will come.

Third Book Report--Could It Be Dementia?

So far this is the only Christian book on dementia I have found, and it is fairly new--copyright 2008. It was published in the UK where caregivers are called "carers". The authors, Louis Morse and Roger Hitchings, both work for Pilgrim Homes in England and are used to dealing with dementia patients. They write from a Christian perspective and answered questions for me.

• Maybe we do need "Parish Nurses" to show how Christian do love each other(John 13:35). I am in the process of finding a support group or maybe starting one. "Looking after someone with dementia is not just time consuming--it is all-consuming. It drains your emotions, your energies and your finances." (p. 170)
• Loneliness is painful for people with dementia. Okay! That's why my husband loves for me to sit by his side while he watches old movies that bore me. Conversation doesn't always make sense to him, but he loves to be with me, go on errands with me. (He used to not like to go shopping with me before the dementia set in.)  
• I need to keep my husband as involved as is possible the authors suggest. I came home yesterday and he was preparing to mop the bathroom floors. I will let him finish that instead of doing it myself.
• My husband swears now when he is frustrated and while this bothers me, I read "The swearing is not because of a suppressed sinful desire--it is the disease. . . .Part of the impact of that terrible illness is this aberrant behaviour, and he has no control over it. It is not that he doesn't want to control it--it is beyond him." (p. 142) Fortunately he doesn't swear at me, just other drivers, or situations that frustrate him.
• "There needs to be less focus on their 'deficits', and more on their needs as human beings." (p.149) My husband is not a disease, but a wonderful human being with personality, likes and dislikes. The authors stress having photos and memorabilia around so that he is reminded of his likes and memories. He has photos of memories on his Facebook page and I am still trying to get him to respond to grandchildren who post on Facebook. I need to make his scrapbook soon!
• "Caregiver syndrome can lead to high blood pressure, diabetes and a compromised immune system." (p. 123) I need to take care of myself so I can take care of my husband. I guess I need a support system perhaps more than this blog.
• He asks me repeatedly "How was your day?" and I repeatedly tell him. I am afraid to ask him how his day was because he won't remember. "People with dementia still need to know that they are loved. They want the same kind of reassurance you would give a child--or anyone for that matter--a hug and a reminder that God loves them too." We often tell each other that we love each other and show it in other ways.
• "And sometimes, an individual who is not normally able to speak coherently will say the most beautiful Grace. One home manager said, 'Even when everything looks to the contrary, I am convinced that the Lord keeps His connection with us, through to the very end.'" (p. 118) Where once my husband initiated devotions and theological discussion, now I need to initiate Bible reading. Yep! He still prays wonderful prayers, as if he doesn't have dementia.