Review of Mark Shriver's Book on His Father Sarg Shriver

Eulogies often happen before we can fully appreciate what we have lost.  Mark Shriver's eulogy pretty much sums up a lot about his dad, Sarg. It can be read in last month's May 27 Parade Magazine Article.

Nonetheless Mark needed to rediscover his father and has done an outstanding job of fleshing out a wonderful man in the almost year and a half since Sargent Shriver's death due to Alzheimer's. An advanced reader's copy of this book was mailed to me by the publisher, Henry Holt and Company with permission to quote from the manuscript. Officially the book is released to the public tomorrow June 5th.

Note that sister Marie Shriver also produced The Alzheimer's Project, a four part HBO video project and a film for which she earned two Emmy Awards and an Academy of Television Arts and Sciences award. Maria's book for children is also reviewed here. Mark Shriver also deserves awards for this book because in his heart-felt reflections as he discovers his father's "insistent joy, powerful faith, generous spirit, and hopeful view of life." (p. 7) What outstanding tributes to their father!

Mark's mother, Eunice Kennedy Shriver, founded the Special Olympics and Sarg Shriver the Peace Corps. While there is much Kennedy trivia, mystique and accomplishments that can be noted in the book, and Mark does say in the Acknowledgments that his publishing-savvy cousin Caroline Kennedy "taught him the ropes" for this book, I want to zero in on how faith here is passed from generation to generation, and how Sargent Shriver dealt with his own Alzheimer's.

Mark writes that Sarg went to Mass every day, even when he was in other countries. Furthermore, Sarg's faith wasn't just a ritualistic habit. Mark writes:

Dad was a radical, a hell-raiser who based his revolutionary public service on very orthodox instruction manuals: the Scriptures, his faith's creeds and prayers, and the life of Jesus Christ. . . . Dad lived out applied religion. He applied his faith's ethics every day to everything he did. His paradox--his radical orthodoxy--allowed him to conform to the requirements of a life in public service. (p. 128)

Despite admitting his own insecurities and early anger, Mark comes to terms with faith, hope and love reflecting on his father's death and faith.

I liked to think about faith, hope and love at church and talk about these ideas with my kids. But apart from a few minor struggles, I never needed them as if life depended on them. . . . It is ironic that so often the first time we have to use them for real--our parents' principles and examples and tools--comes when they themselves age, suffer, and die. My capacity for faith, hope, and love wasn't truly battle tested like his--until the day we learned what he would die from, and the ways in which he was going to suffer in the years leading up to his death. (p. 130)

Sarg was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in early 2000 and was put on the drug Aricept. Eventually Mark, the fourth of five siblings, was in charge. He handled finances, medical care and "each small step in his decline became another devastation for me" (p. 5). Early on in the disease he became angry with his father's obsession with turning on every light in the house. I can relate to obsessions (different ones) that my husband has. Yet Mark realized:

There could still be periods of happiness especially if I accepted Dad in the moment and didn't compare him to his old self or worry about the future. (p. 169)

Yesterday we were late for church. We were stopped by a train and Mark's words came to me. It didn't matter when the train would pass, when the end of Alzheimer's would come, but what mattered was now, the moment. My worship playlist on my iPod came through the speaker: Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father, morning by morning new mercies I see. I worshipped with those words.  The moment of the endless train in front of me became transformed.

In 2003 Mark's brother Timothy approached his father about resigning from his job as Chairman of the Board for the Special Olympics. Sarg graciously resigned and continued showing his same values and care for others.

Even as he struggled with his memory and his mind faltered, he was, at his core, the same human being, breaking his mirror so as not to focus on himself, hopeful about humanity and the years ahead despite knowing the trials that lay ahead for him personally, and loving everyone, especially those society had shunned the most. A constant other-centeredness. He never lost it. (p. 174)

Sarg loved his wife in over 50 years. He once said to Mark, "Nowadays, everyone wants to change what God has given them  Look at those wrinkles on your mother's face. Have you ever seen a more beautiful woman in your life?" I cherish also the love that is given to me by my husband. Loving feelings of the Alzheimer's loved one continues even if memories don't.

Perhaps the most interesting dialogue between son and father came when Mark said to his father , "You are losing your mind. You know that. How does that make you feel? How are you doing with that?" Sarg replied:

I'm doing the best I can with what God has given me. (p. 190)

Mark was totally in awe of how his father let God be in control and asked for God's guidance every day of his life. This is where his father's joy came from.

Dad didn't harbor anger toward anyone, including those who may well have shortchanged his career, because he realized that he wasn't in control and neither were they. His faith was real and personal, and it freed him from anger and sadness and filled him with hope and love.(p. 191)

After Eunice died and the big house had to be sold, the term "caregiver" came into Mark's vocabulary. He discovered instead he had to be a "love giver". Lovegiver is now my new term. There really is a difference. I will reflect more on that difference in another post on this blog.

Thank you, Mark Shriver, for bearing your soul and all you have learned in the end. You don't have to be in control, a Kennedy, a Shriver, a politician, but in your book about your father, you have discovered your own new happiness.

Saga Twenty-Five

Jake and Sally's Camper at the left

Friday May 25 we headed south for camping and a wonderful four nights and five days of camping with our good friends Sally and Jake. With the exception of rain on Monday, the weather was perfect. No mosquitoes.


Friday night provided drama. Hubby, although he doesn't drive anymore, usually backs up our popup camper and so it was that he was at the wheel. He was agitated and it was sundown time. In a mood that he doesn't remember he told me we are going home. He didn't want to stay.


"Get in the car," he orders me.


"No," I reply. "It is too far home and we are staying here."


He made me feel like a rebellious wife, not obeying her husband. I recognized that this was a sundowning episode that he has had on occasions. I took our dog out of the car, fearing that he would actually decide to go home. Somehow I mustered enough courage to tell him that if he left the campgrounds in our Expedition I would call the sheriff, have him stopped and "Baker Acted". I have never ever had to talk like this to my husband whom I love dearly, but "for better and for worse" includes "for worse". I coaxed him out of the car and he sat down. Later that first evening DH forgets about the incident and asks me if I am mad at him. “No,” I say, and “I love you.” The extended Memorial Day weekend would proceed without further meltdowns.


Mirror and Place for Sunscreen, Etc.

Meanwhile I drove the car and popup camper around the sparsely occupied campground so I could drive forward to our spot. Jake helped me set up the popup. Setup of this popup is in Jake's long-term memory because he used to own it. In contrast to DH, Jake is a bundle of energy and you have to watch what he does because it is not always rational. He wanted to take everything out of our popup so he could clean it.


"No, Jake," and he listened and we proceeded to do just enough to get set up while hubby looked on. The picture at the left shows just one drawer that Jake thought he had to empty. Remarkably free of bugs (I found only one dead spider), it didn't need to be cleaned out of pots and pans and items that this spacious 6 bed popup was able to store. Over a year ago I had placed labels on drawers so my husband could find things. This also shows his cell phone charger plugged in at the bottom left. Routines and clues are so important for Alzheimer's patients. Hubby would use that cell phone during our camping when he had forgotten where I was. I got calls in the bathroom and at the club house.

With camp set up, and Ziggy in a travel cage in Jake and Sally’s more secure with better air-conditioning camper, we set off for dinner at Sony’s. We have a lovely dinner and scope out the town of Clewiston to plan our weekend. We will have Sunday brunch at the Clewiston Inn and then go to the 11 am church nearby. Memorial Day we will schedule an airboat ride. We return to bail out Ziggy and bring him to our popup. This first night of four I do not sleep well. The senior citizen lady that I am I had to get up in the middle of the night four times to use the bathroom. This involves walking about a block to the clean bathhouse. It disturbed both hubby and dog Ziggy. The next three nights would proceed more smoothly as hubby and Ziggy were more used to this routine of mine.

Saturday, May 26 we again put Ziggy in his cage in our friends camper and we head off the Clewiston., such a small town, but we manage to find a Goodwill. DH finds his usual seat in the store and the three of us look around. Sally finds a book by Max Lucado to read; I had brought my advanced copy book by Mark Shriver  to read, A Good Man, which I will review on this blog in June to write about Sargent Shriver's Alzheimer's. Back at the campsite Sally and I make BLT sandwiches that we serve picnic style at the club house porch. In the club house where Ziggy also hangs out we have devotions from Dana’s Galatians book. Jake and Sally go swimming. DH watches TV in the club house and I read, get on line on my small notebook computer and go on a walk finding a family of ducks (pictured).  For dinner I assemble the salad from the fixings I cut up at 4 am Friday morning before we left and Sally adds chicken she has grilled. We eat in their camper and after dinner, three of us play several games of UNO with Jake not joining us. I was very pleased that DH joined the UNO game. As Shriver's doctor told his daughter, when you have seen one case of Alzheimer's, you have seen one case of Alzheimer's. Lots of contrasts between DH and Jake.

Sunday as planned we have brunch at Clewiston Inn. Sally did something wonderful I thought since I am spending more time in prayer this year; she told waitress Elena that we pray at our meals and "How we could pray for her?" We prayed that she would make it through the day. Another time she asked waitress for a prayer request and we prayed that she could get her own place to live. Today at the grocery store I looked at the Choice Books display and purchased The Power of Praying by Stormie Omartian. The young man who bagged my groceries said that he bet that was a good book. I had him carry out the groceries so I would be able to pray for him that the LORD would give him another job or promotion because he is getting married in September. Thanks Sally, for this really good idea.  

The eleven AM church service was wonderful and we were warmly greeted. My husband stood when they asked all service men to stand. For the offertory the pianist played a medley of "Spirit of the Living God" and "My Country 'Tis of Thee. The wonderful pastor, short in stature, but mighty in faith delivered an inspiring message, “You Won’t Even Know When I am Gone”, for Pentecost Sunday. Christ told his followers that he needed to go away so that the Holy Spirit who would guide them into all truth will come. Text was: Acts 2:1-21 and John 15:26, 27; 16:4b-15. As is my practice, I took sermon notes on my notebook computer.

Trust the Spirit, look to the Scriptures,

and do what the Spirit says to do.

I needed that message--direction for this journey we are on. When you care for an Alzheimer's loved one, you need a simple life--not a popup camper that has holes to fix. That afternoon we discuss the popup. So much work to set up and DH and I decide to get rid of it. He will not remember that decision on Monday, but at least Sally is my witness that this decision was made--we had even prayed together about where it would go. Jake with his Alzheimer's will not always be able to help us, and hubby wasn't comfortable with camping with his Friday night meltdown.

Lock Going Out to the Lake

Monday, Memorial Day, we go on an airboat ride on Lake Okeechobee in the morning. We have lunch at the Clewiston Inn and it starts to pour rain. Back at the campsite we assess the damage to the popup. Not bad and husband seems to have forgotten that we have decided to get rid of it. Sally and I both have naps.

By Monday Jake checks the inside and turns on the refrigerator which we didn't think worked because the Jayco dealer said it couldn't be fixed. I was using that small refrigerator to store cans. At night we eat out at the Tiki Bar—hubby ordering his coconut shrimp and I ordering a taco salad minus the shell, olives and sour cream--idea from my Weight Watcher leader. Both Sally and I are doing Weight Watchers, although not perfectly with camping.

When we return to the campsite, we have devotions from Dana’s Galatians book.  Everyone turns in except I get on my notebook computer in the popup and check the Internet, learning some new prayer requests. We will leave in the morning. 

Tuesday morning. Decision time. No electricity when we are ready to leave. I discover cold cans in the refrigerator—the camper refrigerator works after all! However, there had been too much plugged in with my notebook computer, our cell phones and that refrigerator. The air conditioner doesn’t work. We needed fuses, perhaps, or the source for electricity at the campground wasn't working. But time to go and not solve the fuses.

With taking the popup down, I wondered if we could just drive it somewhere and not take it home. I feel like this would be a step of faith, and hadn't I learned that with the pastor's Pentecost sermon? I call my neighbor's cell; he used to work at a RV dealer that would be on the way home. I leave a message, but don't hear back from him. I empty all the drawers except the miscellaneous drawer where I have lights and fuses. I leave notes in that drawer and safety pins that I used to pin up curtains. I put what I can into our Expedition and Sally and Jake pick up other items to transport back to Plant City.

New Adventures for This Popup Camper

Then I remember that a wonderful family of five in my church might want our popup--the wife had once said to me that if we ever wanted to get rid of it, they might be interested. I talk to the couple and I tell them all about it. This family is very resourceful and I know they can deal with the popup camper's quirks. The family said yes and  two delightful daughters helped settle it on their property which was on our way home to Plant City. 

We arrive home safely driving through rain without the popup. Exhausted, nonetheless I substitute teach on Wednesday and hubby actually mows the front yard without my pressuring him.

Wednesday night we go over to Sally and Jake's to get our stuff and we go to dinner at Weight Watcher friendly Applebee's and reminisce about the weekend, with Jake and DH remembering some of the weekend. Both did remember the airboat ride. Hubby pretends sometimes to remember recent events while Jake often looks mystified. Alzheimer's is different for everyone, but as Jake's T-shirt says, old guys rule. 

Without Jake, we couldn't have camped.



Sally and I love our husbands who do need us to explain things to them now. We appreciate what they can do--Jake's willingness to always help, and DH's humor and easy-going attitude--most times.