Getting Through the Dark Days of Caregiving--Book Now Out

I always liked this picture. I chose this picture for the cover of the book. It was taken in 2012 about two years before my late husband, Herb, died. We took classes in the afternoon at our Lakeland Church, and Herb chose a comfortable chair to sit through this counseling class and I love his smile. 

The publisher blocked out all the rest of the picture, not showing the "faith" on the bookshelf or my purse on the floor! I love the book cover with its dark grey. You are a caregiver, a hard situation, for your loved one and at times they shine through. That cover says it all for me. 

You might recall that this project started out as a seminary counseling dissertation for an EdD degree, with the seminary in Florida, and my having moved to Alabama. I went back to Florida twice for that dissertation, but then decided that I really didn't need a counseling degree in my 70s--nor a dissertation. So the project morphed into a book. I want friends and churches to help with the caregiving and the book helps them help. 

The book is from a Christian perspective, but I didn't feel I had time to hunt up a Christian publisher. Yes, I had written for Gospel Light Publications, D. C. Cook, and a Dallas publisher, but that was YEARS AGO and that was all about Sunday School curriculum. After all I am getting up there in age! I wanted people to know with the LORD's help you can be a caregiver for your loved one. I chose a self-publisher, Xlibris. I didn't have time to find that publisher.  

I invested money for Xlibris to do this. Then they wanted more money for marketing, but I have VERY limited funds because of my caregiving and didn't go for it. Suddenly what I thought was finished, isn't! I now have to promote the book! 

Footnotes were a big problem. I learned what needs permission and what doesn't need permission. I learned that Chicken Soup for the Soul needed money to quote them and, sure enough, when the book came out, they cashed my check. Someone else has a check also. Have to research who that is. All of the permissions were sent to Xlibris via email, with the exception of less than 10% of book quotes and public domain quotes which didn't need permissions. I quoted myself from this blog. 

With my going through eye surgery now, there are a few printing mistakes that I didn't catch and the publisher didn't catch, but basically I was my own editor as a former English teacher in public schools. Xlibris made the pages and put the pictures near where I suggested. I had to sign off on different parts of this publication process including the ebook now advertised for $3.99 on Amazon. Two lovely reviews are now on Amazon and those reviewers got their ebook from Amazon. 

You can order Getting Through the Dark Days of Caregiving from Xlibris, Amazon or Barnes & Noble. Have NO idea how I will get paid for this book, folks! I can buy them myself from Xlibris and then charge the regular price for them. I mailed priority rate books to four people for about $8 per book!

My free book copies came last Tuesday night when I got home from Toastmasters--two hard back copies and eleven paperback copies. I am keeping one hard back copy and gave the other one to Huntsville Health and Rehab that has one picture and input in the book. You may recall that I lived there for three weeks, and visit there regularly, including seeing my friend Virginia who turned 100 February 21, 2019. 

I had two experts read and endorse the book: Dr. Eyrich and Rev. Mahn. I personally brought Dr. Eyrich's book to him last Thursday in Birmingham. That day I also gave one copy to the Alabama Alzheimer's Association located in Birmingham. Rev. Mahn will get his book Tuesday night at a Huntsville grief group dinner that I am going to. Mahn helped me with my own grief and that tenth chapter on grief. There are others who helped edit the book and their names are in the acknowledgments.

Friday I substituted at a middle school where I have many fans because they like my raps. I showed off the hard copy and they clapped. I wanted them to know that I am not just a silly substitute who raps and has a YouTube, but wrote a serious book. 

Caregiving is serious 

and so is my book! 

Y'all buy it! 

The Plot Thickens: Helping a Young Couple

I walk my dog, Ziggy, all over now since he doesn't have that Plant City backyard, I downsized and Ziggy and I live in my new apartment. In the morning and late afternoon walks we meet people and sometimes other dogs being walked in my new city of Huntsville, Alabama.

I had been hearing sermons on being there for my world. And so it was outside my apartment that I met "Billy and Kelly" (not their real names). They were intrigued by my dog and stopped to talk with me. Since they were obviously young, I rapped for them—my fun "Boredom Games" rap that is now on YouTube. It was Saturday and I invited them to my church here in Huntsville the next day. Only they weren't ready and took a rain check. 

In the meanwhile life happened and Kelly had to go to the hospital to have her kidney stones removed.  Billy’s mom had their baby born in June while she was hospitalized. When no one would come to the Huntsville hospital to pick her up so she could be with Billy and their baby, Kelly had a melt-down. She was sent to a psyche ward in Anniston. Billy's mother had their car because she was making payments on that car and helping Billy pay the rent and the car payment while he was looking for work. She lived about an hour away in Athens. Resourceful while Kelly was in the hospital, Billy walked and found a job in a restaurant; he has to walk 45 minutes to the job and back and still does.

I didn’t hear from them for a while. After about ten days Kelly was ready to be picked up and Billy texted me to tell me what had happened and why she was in an Anniston, Alabama hospital several hours away. Billy said he was looking for a way to get there to pick her up. His mother wouldn’t do that.

I could do that, I said. It was fall break here and I didn’t have substitute jobs all week. That next day Tuesday, Oct. 6^th, Billy got off work and we headed south for several hours to Anniston. Beautiful rolling hills and small towns kept me entertained and I got to know Billy and his family more. Billy and Kelly appeared to be Christians struggling to make ends meet and hoping to get married and raise their son together. I commend them for not getting an abortion and staying together.  See my rap lyrics from a year ago for “While You’re Still One” on this blog. (That rap is not on YouTube yet.  Alabama is a pro-life state and the high school students here like, but I was informed last year at one high school in Florida, to not say that rap.) 

I parked outside the hospital while Billy went into the Anniston hospital. I heard that Kelly jumped into his arms and also did the “happy dance”. She was free from the depressing psyche ward and rescued by her boyfriend and myself whom she decided to call “Mimi”, short for grandma. We ate at KFC on the way home. Kelly had me sneak some chicken in my large purse before we left and it occurred to me how really poor these seemingly happy young parents were.

Two days later the grandma, Billy’s mother, informed them that the DHR was involved and they wouldn’t be able to get their baby back.That next day, Friday, while Billy was working, Kelly and I went to the sheriff’s office near the grandma’s Athens home. It was the end of the day and they couldn’t verify the status of the child with DHR. Saturday I washed weeks of their laundry that I folded and brought them Sunday morning. The three of us went to my church; they each went to Sunday School and sat by me in church.

Monday after my morning class at church on spiritual warfare (little did I know how much spiritual warfare would be involved as this story unfolded), Billy, Kelly and I went back to the sheriff’s office. I knew many new friends at the church were praying for this couple, including people in that spiritual warfare class. Monday was Columbus Day. The DHR office was not open on Columbus Day and for the second time the officers took no action, even suggesting the couple get a lawyer. 

The next day, Tuesday October 13, while I substituted in public school and Billy worked, Kelly took a bus to the DHR office in Huntsville and found out that the case was open, no lawyer was needed and they could get their son. Meanwhile Kelly picked up a house cleaning job for a senior lady who said she could bring her baby to the job. At this time I felt this couple would make it and just needed not a handout, but a “hand up”.

Their immaturity crept into the conversation and yet I was hopeful. For example, twenty-five year old Billy wanted an iPhone and kept talking about cars, not about Kelly and the baby. When the iPhone came in the mail, he sent Kelly a text about getting an Otter Box for his precious new iPhone with his first week’s pay. Now there were more important things needed in my opinion and Kelly thought so also. The next day out of the blue Billy was given an Otter Box by someone who lived at their apartment house. Nineteen year old Kelly talked about Billy and the baby and was under a lot of stress, but seemed to be coping and to be more realistic than Billy. I wondered how sincere Billy was and kept trying to counsel both of them.

Wednesday, October 14, after her housekeeping job, while Billy worked, I drove Kelly back to that sheriff’s office. It took some time for the story to be confirmed by DHR, but the officer drove with us to the house in the country where the infant was. Kelly and I waited in my car in the country outside that grandmother's house. The SUV co-owned by Billy and his mother was in the driveway. Finally the sheriff’s deputy came out with the diaper bag.  That lady had produced no document that she was in fact to have custody of her grandson. After some time the deputy delivered the baby in the infant car seat. Kelly and baby were reunited in my back seat. The baby happily sucked on his mother’s finger when he wasn’t sleeping while we drove back to Huntsville. Billy had walked 45 minutes home from his job. 

Kelly is on Facebook and apparently the grandmother sent her a message that night: “What the [swear word] do you think you are doing!” Kelly blocked her then.

Thursday after my sub job I texted Billy who was on a bus with Kelly and the baby after his work. They were going to Social Security to have a benefit transferred to Billy’s address from his mother’s address. It was about 5 pm that I picked them up so they wouldn’t have to take a bus back to their apartment. I felt that this Social Security check that I understood to be from his late father was good news that there would be more income. This happened to be the last day I saw them recently. I let them know that I would be busy Friday with a morning sub job and entertaining my family that night, but looked forward to going to church with them on Sunday.

Kelly’s cell phone needed a new battery, and so I texted Billy to ask where they were on Saturday. No answer. I went by their apartment. No one was home. No one was home Sunday morning also when I was scheduled to take the three of them including the baby to church.

During my times driving them around this past two weeks I aggressively counseled this young couple. I shared Scripture about perseverance and bearing their own burdens; we talked about a wedding. They prayed with me at times and also said that they had been reading Scripture.  I had un-friended Billy because of his questionable posts on Facebook and told him that when he cleaned up his act I would be his Facebook friend again and also that I preferred his real name to a pseudonym. His explanation for the pseudonym is that at one point he sold prescription meds when he was younger and didn’t want people to contact him. I was glad that he didn’t sell drugs anymore, but still concerned about his maturity and character. 

Sunday night I got a clue as to what was happening when Kelly updated her Facebook photo. There is a conversation below that updated photo. Kelly writes, “[Billy] kicked me to the curb and is trying to take [the baby].”

Someone writes: “This is moma I will help u always and I will never leave u again.’

Kelly writes: “I know I love you momma.”

Further Facebook conversation indicates that someone else went to get Kelly (and the possibly the baby) so she wouldn’t be out on the street. It is cold now.

I have no idea where all three are now, but “Mimi’s” heart is broken and so is Kelly’s. Please pray for the baby who one day may want to know what happened to his real parents.

The Hallucinations of an Alzheimer's Patient

DH: I am living among idiots.

Me: Am I an idiot?

DH: No.

Me: Who are the idiots?

DH: Oh, they pop up. 

Me: Sweetheart, you have two disabilities now. You have Alzheimer's and you have trouble walking. 

The walking is getting better, but the hallucinations--those idiots--are popping up. 

I am trying to not be one of those idiots. I am trying to act calm like The 36-Hour Caregiver suggests.


DH: You are acting screwy.

Me: What am I doing? 


Hubby has no specifics on those idiots and what I am doing. 

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind 

don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.  Dr. Seuss

BUT HE DOES MATTER, Dr. Seuss! Meanwhile, it is becoming increasingly difficult to be myself at home. I am so fortunate that I can get away. 

So, are the above hallucinations, delusions or delirium?

According to The 36-Hour Day, hallucinations are hearing, seeing, feeling and smelling things that aren’t there. Drugs can cause hallucinations and so can dementia. I wonder if the new pain pill causes it. The caregiver just has to act calmly about a hallucination. 

“Delusions are untrue ideas unshakably held by one person.” (p. 161 of The 36-Hour Day) The delusion that my husband and Jake have is that they flew in an airplane together and went on a canoe ride together. These delusions make them happy I guess--male bonding. Sally and I do not argue with our husbands about their delusions. 

Delirium, on the other hand, is dangerous and needs immediate medical treatment I read in that book. 

One important distinguishing feature between dementia and delirium is that delirium usually begins suddenly while dementia develops gradually over months or years. Other symptoms of delirium may include misinterpretation of reality, false ideas, or hallucinations; incoherent speech; sleepiness in the daytime or wakefulness at night; and increased or decreased physical (motor) activity. Symptoms of delirium tend to vary through the day. (p. 289 of The 36-Hour Day)

Bob DeMarco reported HERE what Dr. Malaz Boustani said: 

Having delirium prolongs the length of a hospital stay, increases the risk of post-hospitalization transfer to a nursing home, doubles the risk of death, and may lead to permanent brain damage. 

Delirium can accompany a UTI infection, so it is so important to get treatment for the UTI immediately as we have done.  I bought extra UTI strips from Walgreens so I can check. 

Meanwhile, just stay calm about the hallucinations and delusions, unless it is delirium! 

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Added Nov. 11. I found from THIS NEWSLETTER written by Marie Boltz that these are common causes of delirium:

- Reaction to Medication(s)- Fecal impaction- Urinary retention-Infection (urine, lungs, skin)-Hypoxia (not enough oxygen getting to tissues as in congestive heart failure)- Dehydration-Low blood sugar/high blood sugar-Pain-Immobility or hearing and vision loss.

Joe and Brandon enjoyed my raps

My husband has gotten constipated recently (“fecal impaction”) above and so I went to GNC and got their Ulta 50 Probiotic Complex for my husband so he won’t get the dreaded delirium. Brandon and Joe enjoyed my raps as it was a slow day for them today, Veterans’ Day. 

Hey, guys, check out my raps on YouTube and click on the label "Carol's raps" at the right of this blog.