The Widow's Christmas

Christmas used to be very Swedish for me--Swedish food and decorations as started by my 100 % Swedish mother. Dad was 1/2 Swedish and 1/2 Norwegian so we could expect things like Potatiskorv (potato sausage) that Mom would get from a delicatessen in California. Pepparkakor cookies were always a delight at Christmas. There were other things that my brothers and I sort of were forced to eat, but didn't like.

However, the Swedish decorations I grew up with were important. If I were decorating for Christmas as I did last year while my husband was alive, there would be plenty of Swedish. And after all, there are plenty of evidences of Sweden in my family room and in my kitchen throughout the year.  Some of the Swedish items are mainly displayed in the pictured corner cabinet. I do not have a husband now to decorate for and I am out of town. (There are a few wreaths on the front windows, however.)

The year after my mother passed away, my father was in the hospital at Christmas. I went to the hospital cafeteria and got my lunch and brought it to my Dad's room and we both cried because Mom was gone. That ideal Swedish Christmas was forever gone when my mother passed away. Usually every year I try to have a Swedish Christmas, more or less.

My first husband was in a Miami hospital one Christmas following surgery. On December 26 I called his hospital room and he was out of breath; I called the hospital and rushed there. I was not allowed in his room while a team was trying to revive him. But he died of a heart attack--the day after Christmas. They say your "firsts", your first holiday, after your loved one dies will be hard. I know this, so this year I am at my brother's home because . . .

CHRISTMAS WITH 

DECEASED HUSBANDS 

ARE A MEMORY FOR ME NOW. 

Fortunately I have wonderful, welcoming family in Huntsville, Alabama and have spent maybe a dozen Christmases with my brother's family over the years. My niece and nephew have their own families now and I love seeing their children that live nearby.

I have asked my family what they want if I pass away.

"We want the Swedish decorations," they say. 

I am happy to pass these on. I realize that I have had more Swedish Christmas traditions than the average home in the actual country of Sweden. 

Jessica Lidh writes:HERE: 

For decades, my family has celebrated Christmas the same way, every year. I grew up listening to my grandmother tell me, “This is how the Swedes do it, how your relatives did it. So this is how we do it.” It didn’t really matter to me that my grandmother is actually a second-generation Swedish-American and not truly Swedish. (In fact, my closest relative to celebrate a legitimate Swedish Christmas would be my great-great-grandparents, who came to America in the late 1800s.) What mattered was the fact that we were replicating the traditions and customs of my ancestors, my roots, my people. 

This is how my family celebrates Christmas. On Christmas Eve, we have dinner, complete with Swedish meatballs, lingonberry preserves, ham and Swedish prayer followed by an evening service at my grandparents’ Lutheran church. On Christmas morning we open presents from Santa, and eat a Swedish brunch of potatiskorv (potato sausage) and äggröra (egg gravy). 

We saw the new movie "Annie" here in Huntsville and I cried at the end. I do not know why I cried:  is because I am a widow that I cried, or if it is because I was happy that Annie found a new home? Tears of a widow are complicated. I think of the Christmas song, I'll Be Home for Christmas, and I guess home for me might be  Huntsville, Alabama--not Plant City, Florida. I expect I will move to Huntsville sooner or later.

I prepared for this Christmas. I sent out greetings early. I mailed gifts early and even mailed some of my clothes there so I didn't have to pay for extra luggage on the flight. But it's not just one day, Christmas, but every day I am glad that I have a Christian faith. 

JESUS ENTERED OUR WORLD 

TO TEACH US HOW TO LIVE 

AND HOW TO DIE WITH CONFIDENCE. 

Hugs and Merry Christmas,
Carol

Marianne About Her Life and Her Early Onset Alzheimer's

She has had Early Onset Alzheimer’s for several years, but still drives to familiar places. I met Marianne in a writing class and we decided to have lunch at Saxby’s by her home She consented to let me interview her at her home because there was too much noise at the restaurant she said. After the lunch, we drove our two cars to her charming home. She shares this home with her working younger second husband. In the garden a dozen or so trolls from Holland add color. Decorations hang from her fragrant camphor tree in the middle of the front yard.

Inside the home I met her four-pound poodle appropriately named “Peanut”. Marianne collects seashells, and giraffe figurines. Her abstract paintings done in an Alzheimer’s painting class adorn the walls. After this tour of her lovely home and gardens, we sat down for the interview and I was quickly impressed with her life and her total acceptance of her dementia and all the ramifications.

Carol:  Tell me about your charming accent.

Marianne: I actually speak four languages-- English, Dutch, Spanish and French. I can understand German as my first husband worked on computers in Germany.

Carol:  Where exactly were you born?

Marianne: Aruba, but my family background is Dutch. Aruba is officially one constituent of the Kingdom of the Netherlands, which appoints a governor for six years.

Carol: How did you get to Aruba then from Holland or the Netherlands? And to America?

Marianne: After WW II my parents moved to the island of Aruba—one at a time—my dad first for three years until he could send for my mom and marry her there in Aruba. Letters sailed from Holland to Aruba over the ocean while they courted. After three years dad sent for mom who boarded a ship to marry in this Dutch West Indies country. I am the oldest of their children. At the age of nineteen I married an American and we moved to America where I now have a green card. My parents and three siblings moved back to Holland when my dad retired where my youngest sister finished her high school education. I am able to visit them from time to time.

Carol: In brief what has your life been like in America?

Marianne: I miscarried twins my first marriage and eventually after nineteen years we grew apart; I became strong and initiated the divorce. My career has been as a LPN nurse. Then I met my second husband, six years younger than I am, and he had a two-year-old daughter that I raised as my own. Today she is the daughter I never had and she lives in Colorado Springs.

Carol: Did anyone in your family have dementia?

Marianne: My grandma on my father’s side may have had Alzheimer’s, but no one knows for sure.

Carol: Did your husband discover the memory issues?

Marianne: Actually no. When we lived in Pennsylvania,  I did insurance physicals. My employer here in Florida actually discovered my Alzheimer’s. I was working in a Florida nursing home where they do have an Alzheimer’s wing, and very aware of the problems of those senior citizens. Somehow I had difficulty distributing the medicine with a cart for thirty patients. I didn’t remember who had what medicine. My supervisors noticed my problems. So it was that the facility doctor gave me a prescription that said I shouldn’t work. I did try home health care for a while after that. I did not work at all in 2012 and last year in 2013 I qualified for disability.

One of Marianne's Favorite Plaques

Carol: Tell me about driving.

Marianne: I drive to familiar places and use a GPS in case I need to punch go home. I still cook, clean and buy groceries, but I have to have a grocery list. I remember being at a clubhouse meeting two years ago and not being able to find my seat with my husband until he came to get me. I had that "lost look". If I am home I am okay. I like home. I found this plaque and it reminded me of Pennsylvania when we were just 45 minutes away from that plane that went down in September of 2011.

Carol: You are so knowledgeable about your Early Onset Alzheimer’s. I understand you have a girlfriend who also has it and you discuss it together.

Marianne: Yes—she is my dear friend and we talk Alzheimer’s together—I study it a lot. We want to be in the same room in a nursing home if we need to go there. Her mom also had Early Onset Alzheimer’s.

Carol: You are writing many things from the past while you have that memory in the class we are taking. How does your short-term memory hinder you now?

Marianne: At this point sometimes I just don’t remember that I repeat myself.

Carol: What message do you want people to know?

Marianne: Communicate, people, while you can! I am done with lack of communication. I want my loved ones to call. I want my sister to call me. My brother from Holland does call. I enjoy my daughter calling. People can and do talk with me about Early Onset Alzheimer’s.

Carol: Yes, I learned with my husband that loving emotions do last. They want people contact. I have to say, Marianne, that you are an awesome spokesperson and an inspiration to others. Did it upset you to find out about your diagnosis?

Marianne: I had two 45-minute crying spells about a year apart, and that was it. Now I am living my life.

Carol: What activities do you enjoy now?

Marianne: I paint.  [She showed me the bedroom where she does this—her studio.] Many Saturdays my husband and I go to the beach. On Fridays I volunteer at Compassionate House distributing food and clothing. My husband and I are taking a one-week missions trip to Guatemala with our church group in August. I will be working with the babies there. In February we went to Aruba for two weeks. We visited Holland. We still camp and we enjoy our church. I agree with this sign I had to buy. It grabbed me when I saw it.

Around home is where your journey begins the sign reads:

CELEBRATE FAMILY

CHERISH MEMORIES

DO YOUR BEST

BLAZE A TRAIL

FEEL YOUR SOUL

NEVER STOP LEARNING

Carol: Have you and your husband been realistic about the course of this disease?

Marianne: Well, I got a bracelet that identifies me in case I wander. I have charms on it and my husband made it so I cannot remove it. He has one as well identifying him as a caregiver.  And, we have all of our legal paper work done and we are not afraid to talk about this disease.

This interview inspired our whole writers’ group. Marianne plans to be around, folks, and continue living her life. We all love you, Marianne.