Friday, May 13, 2016

Dating As a Widow

The world has changed. Dating has changed. Betty Friedan changed the male/female in the work place over forty years ago and women have become more bold. Many women do not believe in enduring relationships and even forego marriage. For the Christian woman, however, cohabitation is unacceptable. Contemplating dating may help the widow realize she has come far in her grieving, or dating can be a disaster for her. Here are lessons I think are important.

Lesson one. TIME. Give yourself time to heal from the loss of your husband. If you date too soon, you will be both comparing and grieving. Some aspect of the person will be different from your late husband and that will bother you. Or if something reminds you of your late husband it can be a grief moment. I dated too soon with the death of my first husband and counseling for a year helped me pick up the pieces. I had heartbreak on top of grief to deal with.

Lesson two. COMMONALITY. Ask yourself if you have anything in common with your date. What commonalities are important to you? For me, the Christian faith and theology are important. Life will continually throw fast balls and without a faith to navigate life's trials a relationship or even marriage will not work in my humble opinion. You have to rise above the loneliness and embrace wisdom. Does the gentleman value Scripture and worship of our LORD? Intelligence and emotional maturity are also important to me. Age, looks and money are not so important to me, but commitment to health might be.

Lesson three. TRANSPARENCY and TRUST. Are you able to be yourself with the date? Do they expect you to act a certain way? My brother advised me to not rap on the date, but his married daughter told me,

"Aunt Carol, just be yourself."

Trust must be earned. Often a divorced person will be very skeptical of a relationship possibility. I married and was widowed by two divorced men, and I think that our common Christian faith helped us be transparent and gain the trust of each other.

Lesson four. SOCIAL MEDIA.  What do they use? How do they wish to be contacted or not be contacted? It has all changed. This is not the olden days when women sat by the phone at home and waited to get a phone call. Today there are so many avenues of communication. Our girlfriends like to be contacted on social media, but men don't -- they often need to be in their "man cave". If they are truly shy, you may need to initiate I think if you would really like to get to know them. I like country singer Luke Bryan's song "Crash My Party" and maybe this song is so popular because the apparent extrovert Bryan easily lets his special woman into his life.

A caution is Facebook messaging. Do not accept someone as a Facebook friend who wants to sweet talk you and has no other friends but you. There is no way you can check them out. They may have seen on your profile that you are widowed. Oh well! They haven't even joined E-Harmony or some other site. Messaging you has cost them nothing and could turn out to be a scam.

Lesson five. FRIENDSHIP. Some old-fashioned men like to do the chasing. You walk a fine line between friendship and something more. Probably it is confusing for both of you. At least I think so. The age old advise of going slow applies. It doesn't hurt to just decide on a friendship at first and in the end.

Lesson six. FORGE A NEW LIFE. You don't have to date. You are forging a new life as a widow and it is okay to venture out with new friends both male and female and new experiences. Exercise some caution when you do venture out where men are involved. I took up line dancing when my first husband died and a married gentleman I met at line dancing lessons thought I would enjoy spending the night with him. I shot back,

"Why would I want a temporary fix! 
I am the kind you marry. 
Go home and love your wife, sir."

Lesson seven. LEARN FROM YOUTH. One high school student told me he would want to go on the first dates his widowed grandmother has to check out the gentleman! One young girl summed it up: "I want a guy to write me snail mail and just hang out with me!" Many young people are so wise.

Above all, widows, let the LORD be your husband. He will never let you down.


  1. Great advice given here Carol! I personally don't plan on dating again if my husband passes before me, but for those that might consider it, you listed a lot of good points.


    1. I remember when I was married to my first husband that there was an older couple in the church who were always seen together. They never married and of course had separate homes. I didn't get it then, but I do now as a senior citizen.

    2. NEVER in my wildest dreams did I think I'd ever date anyone after David died. I didn't think anyone could replace David and that was so true; no one can replace him, but I've discovered I can care for someone totally different.
      I met a very nice man 9 months ago and he's really a lot of joy to my life. He's a Christian, very compassionate, honest and trustworthy. I don't plan on marrying again, but it's so nice to have plans for the weekend or special occasions.
      The advice you've given is excellent!!! Good luck to you on whatever you plan on doing in the future...... my motto, "one day at a time."

    3. Such a good situation for you, Dolores! You are a gem and I am SO glad this gentleman sees this in you and that you two can hang out!

    4. You're in a whole new classroom and learning new lessons. I suppose that is the Christian life... always enrolled in God's classroom! I'm thankful to see you embracing life!

  2. I think I am in the classroom of depending on my LORD, second semester. First semester included being my late husband's caregiver.

    Isaiah 54:5-6 reads:
    "For your Maker is your husband.
    The LORD of hosts is His name;
    And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel;
    He is called the God of the whole earth.
    For the LORD has called you
    Like a woman forsake and grieved in Spirit."

    1. Went through second anniversary of husband's death and also realized that a gentleman in my life is not the one for me. Deleted ALL text messages between us and decided to remain friends period. Thanks for him and this step into the waters of dating.

  3. Excellent advice, thanks for sharing.

    1. Thanks, Earl, for being the 301st person to view this post'! Glad the advice made sense if and whenever you have the privilege of dating a widow.

  4. Hello to you old friend. I still visit now and then. I envy Herb, I still am waiting bags packed, this life gets pretty rough at times, but I still am breathing and raising, well you know.
    God Bless,

    1. Hi, Joe! So good to hear from you. Nothing wrong with your memory, my friend! Herb is irreplaceable and so are you. We have to get a cure for dementia. You have done such a great job of raising (not h_ _ _) but awareness both with your video and your blog. Maybe you know that I am working on a seminary dissertation of caregiving and now have to write about grief. Don't make Lynn grieve too soon, my friend. Hugs, Carol

  5. The "generals" that try to friend me on Facebook irk me. No common friends. Don't know that they love my Lord. I give them the link to this blog post. So far none of them have bothered to comment here even in a friendly way. Meanwhile I am recovering from two broken ankles.

  6. Heard from a "Claude Edward Smith" today via email. He essentially scammed me in January and I thought he was my Christian Prince. Yet his story didn't add up. He is/was on a rig and needed iTunes cards. I bought him five for his men or himself. The cards were either for one of this employees whose wife was pregnant or for his phone bill.

    Supposedly he is/will be rich and can travel the world with me. So I gave Clarence until Easter to pay me back the $125 to a third party. He hasn't and yet wants to stay in contact with me because he misses me. I told him I do not believe in Internet romances. I was reminded of a poem "Defiled" I wrote in college:

    Dawn comes, and hallowed her life do raise,
    For born is the King's robe and precious jewel,
    Then with sleep and milk and honey love fill--
    Noon comes, she beams with guiltless rays
    Upon tarnished, torn, and littered ways
    That are remote from her unbroken rule--
    Yet of bread and wine she partakes still
    Worthy of innocence and made for praise.
    With fame-love and wealth-love fancies do spur,
    Thrill her, taint her, and break the iron stitch--
    She looks down and back upon what was sewn,
    But not to dismount the fast mining lure--
    Then unclothed, unjeweled, unworthy to stretch,
    Night comes, but moths and rust for her to own.

    This is now a year and a half later since I broke my feet and I am doing well. I have submitted a book to Xlibris and although I am happy with the book, I have to get permissions for people I have quoted.