The Love of a Caregiver Daughter

I had the privilege of interviewing an outstanding caregiver whom I had been corresponding with. My dog Ziggy and I were privileged to stay overnight with this couple. Over a breakfast of homemade biscuits Patricia said about her mother:

I was blessed with a great mother 

and I can do no less than care for her. 

She always tried to care 

for others in her family, 

selflessly giving even after she was disabled with leg fractures.

Her mother broke her hip and leg at age 84 requiring metal rods. Then 2 years later she broke the other leg in two places requiring rods and pins. Her resilience was amazing, but due to issues with blood pressure she began to lose her sight and have small TIAs. Then the dementia began as it often does in the 80s. Finally at 87 she had a stroke that paralyzed her left side and throat causing aspiration issues. Due to the extreme physical issues she was placed in a skilled nursing facility hoping for rehabilitation. Unfortunately a second stroke in rehab greatly reduced her ability to respond to therapy and today’s healthcare system discontinued the therapy due to lack of progress. 

This was a very stressful time for Patricia because she felt so helpless. She knew her mother didn’t qualify for therapy,  but without it she would just lose the existing strength and rapidly cycle downward. How do you watch a loved one lose their dignity and connection to reality? Her mother had good days where she was alert and realized that she was not getting therapy and therefore she had little hope of regaining function of her body and returning to her home. It is difficult to see a loved one lose their spirit and will to live. The 88-year-old mother also had a son, but he was not in a position to help. 

So for four years Patricia worked four days with the schools and then drove 3 and 1/2 hours to stay with her mother Friday through Sunday—so her mother could stretch her finances needed to pay around the clock caregivers allowing her to remain in her own home. Patricia said it overtook her life for those four years, greatly impacting the quality of her other family relationships especially the special time to share activities with her husband during their golden years together. She said that she always felt guilty trying to meet everyone’s needs at the same time and never doing a good job anywhere. Her mother had to pay $35,000 a year for Monday to Thursday caregivers when Patricia was not there during those four years. After the first major stroke her mother’s needs increased but Patricia was exhausted also. She had also developed physical ailments from helping to lift her mother over the last 2 years and now her mother would not be able to assist with any position transfers to prevent bed sores.

Something had to give. She was moved to live closer to the couple. They decided to have her dentist husband  hook up oxygen to create a sort of  SUV ambulance to move the mother to a nursing facility in their home town. The original plan was to receive therapy until she improved and could then assist with transfers and limited caretaking within Patricia’s home. Unfortunately, her health continued to degenerate and she was unable to make any physical progress. Now Patricia is able to visit her several hours a day and still have a life with her very understanding, caring husband.

I asked Patricia how she was able to sustain this selfless care giving for four years and even now going to the nursing home every day. She said,

I just do it.

I stay in the moment.

Then I’ve also let go of some 

other moments or expectations for my life.

I don’t look at it as an intrusion.

I know that once she is really gone

 I can’t touch her again, 

so for now it is all worth it.

Trip Back to Plant City

Presenting the draft of the dissertation

A seminary counseling dissertation has kept me very busy lately and I haven’t blogged here since December 1, 2015. So let me tell you about the trip I took recently back to Plant City, Florida.

Last fall I applied to be a registrar at Ligonier Conference in Orlando, Florida starting Feb. 25. When I was accepted as a registrar, I knew I could also attend much of this great  conference for free  have free lodging at friends since I have limited funds. Orlando is about an hour away from Plant City, Florida, where I used to live before I moved here to Huntsville, Alabama, also know as Rocket City.  

I did accomplish a few other things on the trip—namely the presenting of that seminary counseling dissertation draft, Hope for Dementia Caregivers, to the seminary in Florida along with attend the conference. Thank the LORD they both happened--the draft submitted and the conference. 

I  even managed to see people, and talk at Lakeland Toastmasters on Reflections of Writing a Dissertation. I had four points that I remember.

1. I reviewed my usual topics in the club--how I got eyebrows, accidentally became a rapper, and how I got my house organized (all covered on this blog).

 2.  But this time, I told the group, I have a serious talk on how I wrote the dissertation draft. 

I took people along with me. 

I had a dissertation committee in Huntsville that met with me about once a month at the Huntsville Library. They day before I left for the trip, I had two lovely ladies from my committee who proofed the dissertation at my house. 

3. In addition to the accountability of my committee, I described how I persevered writing it, getting up early to write before substitute teaching and finding other moments for writing. 

4. I also mentioned the wise advise from my Huntsville pastor--get it done even if it isn't perfect. If you have liked this page at the top right, you can hear my talk on that page. 

Also in Florida I record two raps to be produced for my YouTube channel, MC AC The Rap Lady. Lyrics for the rap "Rocket City Ditty" about Huntsville where I have moved, is on the last blog post. I took Dezarae and Pharis to the studio and they were featured as I introduced the rap “While You’re Still One”--see HERE. I knew these two young people because their father used to help me at the house while my husband was a dementia sufferer and couldn’t work on the house. Dezarae and Pharis were adopted by a wonderful couple so their birth mother didn't have to get an abortion. Because Florida is a pro-choice state, I had not recorded this rap previously. Because I now live in Alabama which is a pro-life state, it works here. 

I had the privilege of taking my dog Ziggy to stay with Plant City friends Sally and Jake for 10 days and even was able to arrange an overnight stay with Ziggy at another caregiver's home on the return to Huntsville. Both places a caregiver read the dissertation and approved. I so appreciate the hospitality of these two couples. 

With Ziggy at  a BBQ on the way back to Huntsville. 

Thanks to all who have been praying for my trip. Continue to pray for the revision of the dissertation. I need to add a chapter on grieving after your dementia loved one has passed away and make some other changes.