Wednesday, February 5, 2014

CONFESSION: Off My Niceness Treadmill

It is time I confess my stress and sinful anger at my husband Monday night. I was off the niceness treadmill that night in a sinful way, not in a logical, calm way as I wrote about in my book, Getting Off the Niceness Treadmill. I was yelling at my husband big time. 

Basically hubby was supposed to stay home while I went to Toastmasters.  I had the responsibility of running the meeting--I signed up for the Toastmaster assignment on Sunday when I noticed no one had picked up that key job. We had agreed on hubby staying home, I thought, and Kenny would make his dinner and check in on him while I was at Toastmasters.  Hubby remembered none of this agreement Monday night. 

Two facts about dementia loved ones such as my husband:
1. Short-term memory. Despite the fact that "Toastmasters" was typed on my side of the daily schedule, hubby denied that he wasn't going to Toastmasters. 
2. Dementia husbands like their home and if the wife is not home, they want to be with her wherever she goes

One fact about a Toastmaster meeting: Someone needs to be the Toastmaster each meeting and introduce everyone. 

All the details had to come together but everything was last minute. Monday people had to sign up for jobs for the agenda and I had to make the agenda when I came home from substitute teaching in public school and that wasn’t as easy as I thought. Volunteer caregiver Kenny came over to make Herb’s dinner and I couldn’t chit chat with him. But neighbor Kenny could understand I couldn’t chit chat. He saw my tension and left the dinner for hubby. 

You are trying to keep me home! hubby screamed. I was leaving, Kenny had left and by golly hubby was going to go with me to Toastmasters! Hubby hadn’t shaved. He hadn’t eaten his supper. He wanted to go at the last minute on my last nerves I hurried hubby along—very unpleasant for both of us. Uncharacteristically I started barking orders at him to get him ready. There was very little time. We argued as I drove us to Lakeland.  

The meeting went fine, although I need a hair appointment as evidenced on Facebook by all the pictures of me presenting ribbons to various people. No time for a hair appointment as I am working six days this week. When do I blog? I fit it in for therapy. 

I apologized to hubby when we got home from Toastmasters and he had forgotten all about our argument before Toastmasters. He didn't want his dinner which was left for him and I threw it away rather than heat it up. I made each of us a bowl of ice cream and sat with him to eat it. 

Lesson: Alzheimer's is a  S L O W disease 
and the world has to slow down for it. 


  1. Got to hand it to him that he did remember what Toastmaster was and wanted to be part of it. In saying that though, I'm sure there are times that it is just easier to go somewhere alone without all the prompting you might have to give hubby, explanations, etc. Its good that he forgets at times should you guys have a disagreement, at least he might not go to bed in his anger, right?


    1. Right. I appreciate the forgiveness of our LORD and that hubby didn't stay angry.

      Next time when I speak at Toastmasters, I am NOT going to come home first and then rush off. Kenny will attend to hubby and they will enjoy the evening.

      That next time I am going to speak about Alzheimer's and I do not want my husband to hear the talk. He is fairly naive about his disabilities now and he keeps happier that way.

  2. So if you could turn back the hands of time what would you do differently?

    1. What would I do differently? Be patient. Still have hubby go to Toastmasters, but stay VERY calm about the situation. Realize that I might be late to Toastmasters, but that my priority is my husband. Do not volunteer the day before for an assignment when I need more margin in my life these days.

  3. Your definition of "sinful" is my definition of a Tuesday. You're human, lady! Sorry I haven't stopped by in a while, winter funk & over-scheduled kids. I need some patience STAT. xoxo Mar

    1. It's funny I am human, Marianne! You are so delightful in relishing being human when you write. I love your humor!

      Cut out the guilt of not stopping by in a while. I will give you a pass on that. Our Florida definition of winter wouldn't even cut it in many parts of the country such as where you live--52 degrees and light rain, Even have flowers in the front yard.

      I try to save my impatience for when I substitute in public schools for really bad classes and keep patient for hubby who didn't ask to get his dementia. This public confession is a reminder for me.